Instinctively, the mention of holidays gives me a jilt in the stomach. Holidays were never a joyful time when I was a child. Perhaps, it was because there was such a high standard for everything to be perfect that the threshold for imperfections was very small. Very small occurrences would send one person over the edge, and everyone else would follow or be dragged into the chaos. One burned Christmas cookie could ruin the entire batch, and then very cookie made before, after, and in the process would be thrown in the garbage.

In particular, Thanksgiving weighs the heaviest burden on me. When I was 13, I was put into emergency placement foster care at 5 am Thanksgiving morning after spending the night in the police station. As a teenager, it is hard to be grateful for anything, especially when one feels like the world is constantly handing her perpetual heartache. I didn't know how to make the best of the situation, and instead of helping make food, I wanted to lay in bed and cry all day. Notably, I didn't do that, and I am glad that I wasn't allowed to wallow in that way, but being expected to be a full functioning member of Thanksgiving dinner was too much for me. It was the first Thanksgiving that I didn't spend at my grandmother's, and I never went to my grandmother's in subsequent years.

Although it may sound odd, it is easier to spend holidays alone. Holidays with other families always make you feel isolated in a group of people. They make special accommodations for you and there are always questions. It is great to have this offer, but when this happens you feel how much of a stranger you are. you aren't just another one of the group, where people will poke fun of you if you eat too much or don't save enough gravy for the person on your right.

Spending holidays with my bio family may not be an option, but I feel the need to run from that feeling I get when someone "checks in" regarding my feeling during a guest visit to another family's holiday.

I'd rather spend the day alone contemplating why I am grateful for those things around me.

Sitting, solitary, pondering upon what has allowed me to have another year full of life.