I wanted to talk to her. I tried so desperately hard to get her attention. I wanted to tell her that everything would be alright. I wanted to let her know that life would not always be so hard; that there was just so much more in store for her if she just held on. I wanted to tell her not to give up.
I wondered if she knows that God has something so much more in store for her. I wondered if she knows that the storms of life just won't last always. I wondered is she knows how loved she will be and is. I wondered if she knows just how many people adore her, even if she doesn't understand why. I wondered if she knows that everything that God does, he does well. I wondered if she understands that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are the called according to his purpose.
I bet that she is used to the tears. I'm certain that failure is her comfort. I'm positive that misery is still her closest friend. I know that she unwillingly drags pain and hurt around with her everywhere that she goes. I am well aware that she still hides guilt, shame, and anger behind a convincing smile and misleading laughter.
I'm sure she still has hopes of going home one day. I wanted to tell her that that day will never come; well, not the home she is thinking of.
I wanted to ask her if she still thought that she was a failure? I wanted to tell her that she wasn't. I wondered if she still hated herself? I wanted to tell her that she is (and will be) an amazing woman who is called to change the lives of many.
I tried to talk to her, but she just ran. No matter how fast that I ran, her speed was fast enough to keep me far enough behind to elude me.
Silence. Running. Silence. Running. Silence. Running. Silence.
I couldn't catch her, so I only hoped. I hoped that she would one day understand that the greatest tragedy that she once considered to be her life would be transformed by God to be the greatest triumph of her life. I hoped that she would one day understand that her life will be used to change others. I hoped that one day she would understand that if she just keeps holding on, she will literally be blown away by what God has designed for her life. I hoped that she will one day understand that she is loved and deserving of love.
I wanted to talk to her. I tried so desperately hard to get her attention. I wanted to tell her that everything would be alright, but she ran. I couldn't catch her, so I only hoped.
I had an strange dream last week. I dreamt that I met a mirror image of myself. I usually dream in sound, but this dream was oddly silent. I began to attempt to signal the mirror image of myself to get her attention! I wanted to talk to her. My reflection was me as a young child, a teen, and a young adult all in one.
It may sound crazy, but lately I've had the desire to talk to my past self. I wish that I could tell her not to be scared, simply because no one ever did. I wish that I could encourage her when no one else would. I think of that lonely girl and I am saddened because I know that their are thousands of young boys and girls right now in foster care who are just like I was.
Although I know that I can't go back to the past and counsel myself, I am empowered by the fact that I am now in a position to help other youth who may be experiencing the same type of lonliness, insecurity, doubt, shame, guilt, anger, grief, low self-esteem, sadness, etc. that I experienced as a child.
Life will get better...I am a living witness.