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Life has been easy but it has also become hard for me in the past few weeks, because I am constantly realizing my insecurities and trying to pinpoint where they stem from. In addition, I criticize myself and others for my hurt feelings - my father has been my scapegoat so far - but he doesn't know that.

I have spent hours stuck and bound to self-addressing my thoughts and trying to control my emotions and actions-- to the point where I am overwhelmed (my body has shown me it in stress).

As in the past, I have once again gravitated towards distractions and once again put my priorities on the back burner - my educational life and personal growth has been stalled - it seems like I am stuck... consciously I know that this is not right and I need to do something about it -- but I cannot help but to succumb to my self-indulgent and pitiful feelings and further analyzations.

Trying to overcome these patterns makes being independent, happy and mentally stable very difficult and I am afraid that my feelings will continue to control me. Living with the idea of self- purpose in the world can be hard, but what about if you don't like yourself? At this moment I don't, for my thoughts and my upbringing.

It's a process.

Sep 23, 2008 By Julia