The key word of the past few days has been “permanence”. Hearing and discussing it over and over this week has really got me thinking. Permanence is something that means different things to different people. To mean it is truly having that place that actually feels like “home” and that person who is going to call you just because they are curious to see what you are up to. For me this idea of permanence has been a bit of a struggle.
In high school, I really felt as though I had found it. I moved in with my aunt and we had an amazing relationship. She really understood me and we had a wonderful relationship. Anything I needed was taken care of and she was always there. I felt so secure and at the time thought it would be that way forever. Well, it didn’t play out as ideally as I had hoped for. Her house was my “home” and she was the one that made those phone calls.
Like any other young adult my life changed drastically when I left for college. I was living with roommates, taking classes, working, living in new city and taking the first steps in becoming an adult. Everything was new and fresh. I felt a lot of uncertainty. However, at the time I felt as though my aunt would be there. I quickly found out I was wrong. When I started college my aunt started to withdraw from my life bit by bit. Now I barley even speak to her. By barely speak to her I mean it has probably only been a handful of times. This is still really hard for me. I mean the connection I felt with her is indescribable. She took me in when I had nowhere else to go and treated me as if I was her own daughter. I felt love, support, and an overall sense of caring from her. In what seemed like a blink of an eye it was gone. I had lost my sense of permanence.
Throughout out this journey my biological mom has been in the picture. When I started college she began putting forth tremendous amounts of efforts to be a part of my life. I am beyond grateful for that. However, I don’t feel that feeling of permanence with my mother as I did with my aunt. I go to visit my moms house and it doesn’t feel like home the way my aunt’s house does. With my mother I don’t feel like I will ever get that feeling. With her every time I take down a wall she does something or makes me feel some way that causes me to put up another wall. For this reason I won’t ever achieve permanence in a relationship with her.
Nevertheless, college has been great for my path to permanency. I have the most amazing friends that anyone could ask for. At the end of the day I know they will always be there and are a phone call away. They understand, accept, love and care about me . It is awesome to have that support in my life and is a form of permanency although it is not entirely what I am looking for. It helps me to fill a void for the time but doesn’t complete my quest.
Still I wonder though if I will ever be able to regain a relationship with my aunt. I really do miss her and I guess I am still a bit angry that she doesn’t want to be a part of my life. She was the one that took care of me while I was in foster care and I really felt that she would be that permanent relationship for me. Since she isn’t I can’t help but ask myself “why”? I know it is something I cannot change. If there is one thing I have learned in life it’s that you can’t force people to be a part of your life if they don’t want to be.
I realize though that in a year I will graduate college. Just like when I began college life will take a major turn and I will begin another chapter in adulthood. Right now I don’t know what permanency will me to me at that point. I have faith that there will be something there though that will help me to make a connection to permanency. Until then I will continue my search and await the day that I truly have that sense of home and the person on the other line wanting to know about my life.