So we were off tho the Native Teen Gathering that was being held at Box R Ranch in Ashland, OR. It started off by the ridiculously long drive that lasted over 10 hours. When we finally arrived that night we were led to our tee-pees to sleep. I remember how excited we all were as we squealed and laughed on our way to the tee-pees. I woke up the next morning thinking I wet the bed.. Yeah real awkward. Don’t worry it was just all the dew on our sleeping bags. Tee-pees might offer a little coverage but tents definitely offer a lot more with less holes. Well when we got up to head to breakfast we were also handed our 5 minute shower coins. Talk about a quick shower. (Proud to say that my duration of being in the wilderness taught me how to be very resourceful.) We ate with the youth, interacted and really got to know each other. It’s amazing at how automatic the youth can click with you and instantly open up and pour their hearts out. Some pretty heavy information and stories were shared with us in a matter of 30-45 minutes. After digesting my food and everything that was said we headed down to the campfire to begin workshops.
I got to lead one that focuses on what you need to know and what resources are available to you during transition time. Many of our youth were between the ages of 13-18. Transition time is referred to as “aging out” or legally defined as emancipation. It’s when us foster youth are expected to become adults. It is said that the average age a child leaves their parents home is about 25. So imagine leaving between the ages of 16-18. Well it’s reality for us foster youth. It’s also something we grow up expecting while were in foster care. We sit around waiting for our 18th birthday knowing that it’s not a day to celebrate but instead it will be the day are officially on our own and have to BE ADULTS. It wasn’t until this year that California extended the age of emancipation to 21. (It won’t be implemented/put into action until 2012.) So in some states youth are expected to age out at 18 and others have a grace period until 21. These young people know this is their reality so I'm glad they were able to be engaged.
As we wrapped up the workshop we headed into free-time. During this free-time we sat with the Elders of the tribes and made medicine bags. It was interesting to have the youth teach me about my culture. It was funny how shocked they were when they found out that I wasn’t taught basic traditions. They were real eager to teach me so the rest of the time I was sitting there listening to what they had to share with me. We then even had time to swim and canoe in the lake with the youth. I even went down the huge slide and got stuck. It was hilarious to have to crawl out. Those will be some of the best memories.
As the day went on we only gravitated more toward one another and by dinner it was as if we knew one another for years. We got into a team building workshop and in this workshop I noticed a few youth that weren’t too happy to participate. It was part of our job during the workshop to allow a group process so it was difficult to watch how unengaged some youth were. I watched and then when I was given permission to help I did.
After this workshop we headed back down to campfire. At the campfire we were allotted time to share our personal stories. When I shared my story I didn’t realize the affect it would have. I looked up to see tears streaming down the faces of various youth. As I continued to get deeper into my story I got to the point where I had to catch my own breath and smile to hold back my own tears. It was the first time I’ve really been able to let go. I’ve shared my story a few times but it’s mainly been given in pieces. This was like the first time not having to censor what I shared. These were youth who could relate. When I speak the memories are always relived and the emotions never fail to come up. It was in my openness and willingness to expose myself that I was able to touch these youth. After I shared I got hugs the rest of my time there. Many girls came up to me to share certain parts of their stories and others just to hug me and cry into me. The very youth that weren’t engaged during the workshops were the ones coming up to me. It was great to know that I was able to still engage them. It was overwhelming in some ways but more powerful than I imagined. I know that this is just the beginning and I will continue when necessary.
As the night ended I was sad to leave but happy that we did our job. We headed to our tee-pee's for that last night as I reflected...
I was left with a sweet calmness in my soul. I remembered being 15 and contemplating suicide. I remember laying on the bathroom floor staring at the tiles with a box cutter in one hand and a razor in the other. I remember weighing out my options. It wasn’t just another day of cutting to release the pain, it was a day I was desperate to end my life. As I cried I remember thinking that if a God existed he should just do me a favor and take me away so I wouldn’t have to leave a mess. I remember feeling a sweet urge in my soul. That sweet urge was hope. I will never forget that day because I then knew there was something expected of me before I left earth. I remember getting up and telling myself that no matter how hard it got my life wasn’t my own to take.
Years later I now realize why… As soon as I felt the sweet calmness it was as if it truly was written. I got to experience WHY. I got to see WHY. I got to feel WHY.
At the end of the day I can always count on my Papa, God, to put my life into perspective for me…