__tlynn's picture

I have been in foster care for 3 years and I finally got adopted at age 12. I have two sisters that are younger then me. I tried so hard to be this perfect girl but all I did was the total opposite. I got into trouble a lot, didn't follow rules, and had attachment issues. I tried so hard to be apart of my family that I had to fake it. And I finally told them 3 years later I didn't like it here and that I wasn't happy. They weren't surprised. But a couple weeks ago I did something in order to get my phone taken away indefinitely because I did the same thing over again. So I walked around in silence hoping they would cool off but now they are getting more mad at me because I won't talk. Now she's talking about an adoption disruption. my mom is basically done, and I am too. I dont want to feel like im walking on egg shells once i step foot out of my room. my mom is considering it. the website said i would go back to foster care and its likely because of my age i wont get adopted, i would age out of the system. the website is dead on me for the child lists "older age, behavior problems, attachment issues"

Absolutely fixing this

Rosesaurus's picture

I agree with pontes, try to talk to your adoptive mom. A lot of your behavior can be explained by an attachment disorder, and some by just being a teenager. Talk to your mom about your feelings(I know it sounds so lame) but if she understand you and why you do things, she can alter her behavior.
I think your mom feels very powerless, and doesn't understand you or why you misbehave. You might think that she doesn't love you anymore, but I think that just because she feels so desperate. (It's very important to talk about this with your mom, I have a feeling your acting out might be because you feel left out, misunderstood and unloved, is that true? If so, talk to your mom, and explain this, trust me it will help.) I was in a similar situation, and got kicked out, and aged out of the foster system. Now I'm alone, and wish I would've tried harder, and talked more. If you leave your mothers care,, you'll go back in foster care, and you most likely won't get adopted. you'll probably live in a group home until you are kicked out, and have to live on your own. so don't give up on your family yet, talk to them. I know I sound preachy, but I know what you're going through with the walking on eggshells part and trying to fit in/be good(not be a burden). I so wish I had talked to my family, so don't make the same mistake as I did.(Of course you can still leave if things don't work out, but try first ok?)

2 months later

__tlynn's picture

My dad gave me two choices yesterday... 1. To have an adoption disruption or 2. To have to no emotional attachment to them. And I'm having a really hard time deciding. They said they have 100% support in what decision I make but I overheard them talking yesterday and my mom is leaning toward option 1. I don't want to stay. I've done a lot of research on adoption disruption. But I'm having a really hard time deciding because I'm miserable and so are they. It is not normal for a teenager to be thinking about this everyday. I rarely speak to them emotionally, I make basic conversation. I care very little about anything. I realized I never attached with anyone based on what a therapist said. I'm grounded all the time. My mom yells at me at least once a week for something different every time. I don't talk to my mom about anything and I don't want to. I feel better just being independent. Right now, I don't want to be apart of a family, but if I did, I would rather be an only child.

Hard Choices

pontes's picture

This is a hard choice. No doubt about it. However, it is an important one. Right now your life is stagnating. You need counseling. You need help deciding what is best for you in the long run. I don't know if you have it in your area, but there are mentor-like counselors that will help you decide what is important to you. In my state they are under a group name Justice Works. Go to the Medicaid page for your state and see which counselors accept Medicaid. If you need help with that go to your guidance counselor at school. In some schools there are school based counselors that actually see you at school. Ask about it. It doesn't mean you are crazy to need help. We all need help sometimes. But this is a big deal. Please do this. 25 year old you will be sorry if you don't. As a guy who has worked with former foster youth, I can almost guarantee it.

Fixing this

pontes's picture

You are so aware of what's going on that I wonder why you can't fix this. Suggest family counseling. Your adoption worker should be working to help you fix this. Believe me, it's worth it. You go back into foster care, there is no telling where you go in the state. In my state, very few foster parents take older kids. Sometimes, older kids have to move hours away from their old school, bio family and friends. You need to know that some of your behavior is normal for your age and isn't even related to your adoption/attachment issues. Of course, that doesn't mean they should give you a pass. They shouldn't. But you also shouldn't feel like if I say or do one more thing wrong, I go back. You guys need a new understanding. That is probably not going to happen without intense professional help. Take a chance on permanency. Tell your parents you want to fix this with them and ask if they can contact your old adoption worker to see if they can recommend a good therapist. You deserve a family and need it more than you think.