lorianne_999's picture

hi. I am in foster care and I am currently 16 years old. i am having a rough time at this home. We never go anywhere and then when my therapists comes, my foster mom lies and says we do or that I am too nervous. We are made to feel like we don't matter. I hurt my foot real bad but I only got yelled at. I want to go to another foster home and some people say it is possible but I don't know how. I don't know what to do. I wan to go into independent living because i can't go home but my parents are dragging the whole thing out. I am lost and losing hope. I went into foster care to get better but to be honest I am getting worse and that scares me. I know this is a lot but I'm out of answers. People tell me to call my caseworker or guardian ad litum but the thing is my foster mom monitors the calls so I wouldn't be able to say anything. Then if I do talk to them they'll talk to her and I'll get hell. She never wants to be wrong. I am so confused and emotionally drained. In conclusion what I am asking is, how do i go into a new foster home and is it normal for a foster parents who don't eat with us or hang out with us except for occasionally? i thought the point of going into foster care is to feel like you have a family because if you're in foster care you probably been through something before entering. Is that asking for too much? Aren't they supposed to do things with us? Am I overreacting? I'm losing hope in getting better or feeling like I am wanted or I belong.

Hope

Bro Phill's picture

Hey, I am a former foster kid too. I Have also tried to become a foster parent, but I'm afraid my strong feelings about the system may have caused my wife and I not to be allowed to help in that way. I am also a pastor, and I know this may sound lame, but you are wanted and you are also very loved. I lived through some rather terrible things. However, through it all I have come to understand that though God would never have chosen the horrors I knew, He has never left my side. And the words of the Bible are true that say He will work all things together for good to them that love Him and are the called according to His purposes. As an adult, I have worked with children and young people in day cares, after scool programs, juvinile detention centers, in churches, and in the community. In that time, my experience in foster care and leading up to it have helped me to understand what kids and young people are going through without having to be told. This intuition, or understanding has allowed me to help a lot of kids. It would take years for smeone else to earn their trust. Many times I was able to connect with them. Those experiences which once caused me great pain and crippling fear; have become a great tool in helping others find love and hope. I could never have imagined or dared to hope that anything good could come from so much evil, but it has. I now have a beautiful family: five awesome kids, a great wife of 15 years, and a carreer doing what I know I was created to do. Life is not perfect, but the abuse and and terror that has plegued my family for generations has largly been completely eliminated from my kid's lives. We are breaking the cycle. I only told you all that as an encouragement. I am no more special than you are, you can have all the love and activity that you desperately desire. I encourage you to hold tight to those ideals of what family life.should be. You may not find the home you are in to be all that you wish it could be, but you can know that it could be much worse, anif you are not beiing hurt physically, try to channel your pain and disappointment. Make an agreement with yourself that no matter what, you will never allow another generation know that pain and dissappointment like you have. It will take all of the determination and perserveance that you are building by keeping your spirits up in what may seem like such a terrible place... it will take all of it and more to start a new legacy. I want to encourage you to understand who you are.

Foster Parent

sjroberson's picture

No,it isn't that we are suppose to hang out with you, eat with you, and do things with you. It is our primary job to give you a place to call home, make sure you have food provided and living necessities, and go to school. I don't know where you were miss led into thinking that foster parents are suppose to eat with you, hang out with you do things with you. I don't sit at the table with my 6 foster children. I feed them first, then my husband and I eat together after children are finished. This is mine and his time together, to talk about our day or any issues with foster children. I do encourage you to tell you case worker you want to talk to your GAL. Also, your case worker is suppose to speak to you in private at each monthly home visit. Your case worker, if you request it, has to take you, WITHOUT foster parent(s) present to talk to your GAL. THAT's THE LAW!! If they don't.... then ask for your case worker's supervisor's name and phone number, call them and simply tell them you requested a visit with GAL but didn't get it. Give case worker about 2 weeks to set it up. If you are that unhappy, please examine your attitude with the foster parents (in all situation good or bad), then examine theirs. Maybe there is something that you all could start working on. It is STEPS, not all at one time!!! Choose one attitude you can improve yourself and ask them to help you improve it to. I understand because we have had many teens in our home over the past 11 years. It's not easy on us or them. You are close to adulthood but we still see you as a child. Try, Try, Try not to argue back with them. Get you a good christian book for teens and read it and make notes to remember. If you need help picking out teen christian books, I know a teacher at school would be glad to help. I am not just a foster parent, I am also a middle and high school teacher. I know what you feel right now, but I have heard of foster parent homes ALOT worse than what you have it! I will be praying for you that you will receive peace in what ever direction you choose. Sincerely

Do you go to school? Call

Olivia's picture

Do you go to school? Call your social worker from school and tell her/him what is happening. Or speak to a counselor at your school about your situation.
I just feel like you need to move out of the home, because your foster mom is obviously only concerned about keeping receiving a check if you hurt your foot and she decided to yell at you and she lies to the therapist when she isn't spending the money she receives to take you out.

The fact that she lies speaks volumes about her. Please speak to someone.

I live out of state, but

iPatch's picture

I live out of state, but would if I could offer you a home even if you aged out of the system or were getting ready to. I have seen so much as an ex-foster care provider and at times the system does tie our hands, but I had the opposite problem, couldn't get our case worker to listen that the kiddo we had was being abused at every visit with bio parents. Happens on both ends, my heart goes out to you. Hope you are ok, keep your chin up. I see this is an old post. Heck I'd be willing to offer a home to any kiddo aging out. I have seen so many think it's as easy as getting a job and a place to live when they hit 18 and boom, reality hits, it's not that easy. Now I help kids in transition.
Blessings to you!

You have to be Brave and Persistent

pontes's picture

As a guy who used to work in foster care full-time as a worker, your story breaks my heart. I had kids in my caseload who thought I was a great worker and caring and nice and fair and all that stuff. And because of circumstances, even after leaving care they will remain in the area. SO I see them from time to time. They'll give me a big hug, say thank you, and, inevitably they will tell me a story about one of their foster parents that makes me think: "Why the ___ didn't you tell me this while you were there!" But now, chances are they 23, the foster parent is no longer fostering, and all I can say is: "I'm sorry that happened to you." But I understand. You tell on these people and then you may have to still live with them. Or if it is something big enough to move you over, due to the fact that so few foster parents will take teenagers, you might get moved three counties over or to the other side of the state. That means new school, new friends and difficulty seeing biological family possibly. For me the decider is what is most important to you. If their behavior is just annoying, maybe work with your counselor about how to cope with their "antics". But if it's serious, do what you need to do to get out of there and let your worker worry about visitation schedules and etc. Tell people what is wrong and don't stop telling different people (school nurse, teachers, principals, your caseworker, your caseworker's supervisor, pastor at church) until somebody does something that helps.
Just as an aside, the whole eating together thing is a family preference, possibly. Not every home does family meals. I did it when my kids were young but some of my nieces and nephews thought it was weird and creepy when they came over. So maybe that is the way your foster mom grew up; supper time was time for the adults to have a little alone time. I'm just trying to say to not take it personally. It's hard to get a good fit with foster homes. Maybe your worker saw you as shy and thought a home where they don't press you to be "involved" was better for you. Or if you have siblings, maybe they were the only home that would take all of you. Sometimes, sadly, the only criteria is that they would take you and they live in your old school's district so you would have the least amount of change possible. It's sad to say, but it is just the truth and then as a worker, you just hope it works out. But if you come up with something better, as a worker, I really would like to hear it, believe me. But the problem is, we rarely do until it is too late. Please Lori Anne, pour your heart out and let them know that is what you are doing. This journey can't start until you take another step. You did one by looking for help from us...now go to someone closer who can help you more ideally.

I have experienced the same

crvig17's picture

I have experienced the same thing, but when i was younger. I thought it was normal too, but its not. We have gone through so much, and you deserve to have a family. They agreed to give you one, if not just temporarily. But looking back, i wish i would have told my social worker about the things happening in that home. But, i was scared. I think if you're not happy and they don't treaty you like a part of the family, then you should have the right to feel included. Because in foster care, i know thats something that feels like never happens...being included and feeling like you belong. Maybe next time your worker comes for an update, you could tell this to them. Or tell a trusted adult and ask if they could help you do this. I hope this helps. And from one to another, stay strong. Know no matter how bad it gets, your loved. I dont know you but anyone who can endure the hardships of foster care deserves to be loved an incredible amount.
With love and strength sent to you ,
Crissy Ann

NEW foster home

zowie2428's picture

I am a foster mom but live alone when I don't have a child.I luv going places.I don't have a child right now but am waiting.