How am I supposed to deal with mother's day this year with the knowledge of my mother doesn't want me in her life but yet I need her? It is only wednesday and mother's day isn't until Sunday and the pain is already very painful mentally.

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Hello, I wish I had seen this before Mother's Day. I can understand the pain. I wish I had an answer for the pain, other than find a way to comfort yourself, like walking, calling a friend, writing, painting. One of the ways a friend of mine copes with it is to honor their chosen mother. A lot of us have, "chosen," family. It took guts for them to ask that person to be their family, but every year they bring their chosen mother a gift. I don't know if it makes any difference, but you are not alone. 

Maybe somewhere out there is a childless mother, looking for connection? I really don't know the answer for you. But, for me- I can't replace the loved ones I have lost, but annually I do something to honor them and the people I have chosen to walk through life with me.