What is foster care?

It is a law that parents must take good care of their children. When a child is no longer safe or healthy in their family home, people from a government agency in charge of the welfare of children can take over. They remove the child from the unhealthy or dangerous home and place them in a temporary "for a-while" home that is safe and healthy. This placement is called "foster care".

If this has happened to you, it can be a very emotional time. It is natural to have many different, sometimes confusing feelings. These emotions are normal and OK to have. Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling.

Who are these people who have taken me out of my home and what gives them the right?

It’s important to the citizens in our cities, our state and our country that children are being raised in safe and healthy homes. Our government appoints certain groups of people (Agencies) to help find good homes for kids who are not being properly cared for by their parents. Once you have been removed from your home and are in a temporary safe place, a judge decides if you need to stay in foster care instead of going back to your parents’ home. If the answer is "yes", then the Agency person makes a case plan for you, which may include returning you to your family after some changes have been made.

Now that I'm going into foster care, what's going to happen?

First, you will be assigned to a caseworker. This Agency person, sometimes called a social worker, has the duty to be sure you are well taken care of and will find a safe place for you to live as soon as possible. Your caseworker and you should talk about the reasons you are going into foster care. It’s a good idea to let your caseworker know your thoughts, like wanting to stay in your same neighborhood or school. Together you decide what changes need to be made and set up a plan for making these changes.

Why am I in foster care?

Talk to your caseworker about why exactly you are in foster care. It is important for you to know that it is not your fault that you were removed from your home. Here are some reasons children go into foster care:
1. Parents or caretakers are not able to keep children safe.
2. Children have experienced physical, sexual, and /or emotional abuse at home.
3. The parent or guardian has died or is too sick to care for children.
4. There has been a family crisis or big conflicts between family members.
5. The parent or caretaker is unable to control a youth’s behavior.
6. Parents have voluntarily placed the child into foster care.
7. The youth places himself/herself into foster care.

Why doesn't someone tell me what is going on?

There is often a lot of confusion and chaos when children are first removed from their homes. Sometimes it seems like no one is telling you anything. The truth is, it takes awhile for your caseworker to finalize all the arrangements for you. Sometimes your caseworker must wait for others to make decisions (like a judge, your parents, or potential foster parents). It can be frustrating not knowing what will happen next. Talk to your caseworker often until you understand what your case plan will be.

How long will I be in care?

The length of time depends on how quickly your parent or family works with your caseworker to follow your case plan. Depending on your situation, some changes may be required of your parents such as:
1) Getting suitable housing
2) Taking anger management classes
3) Taking parenting classes
4) Getting a job
5) Quitting drugs or alcohol

Where am I going to live?

Usually, the first place you stay is in a short-time foster home or shelter until your caseworker can line up a more long-term place for you to live. Most children in care go to a foster home with a foster parent who wants to help by sharing their home.
Other options are listed at the end of this chapter.

Do people go through my stuff?

Your caseworker may need to look through your belongings to be sure there are no harmful or illegal items. This is in no way anything against you personally. It is just that safety needs to be guaranteed to the family who has offered their home to you. It is kind of like how Security checks your baggage at airports. make a plan that feels right for you.

What will happen to all my stuff at my old house?

As you might expect, it is usually not possible to bring all your belongings with you to your foster home. If there are special items important for you to have, we’ve provided a form to fill out titled: "Belongings I’d Like to Have in Foster Care".

Try to choose the really important stuff and leave out the things you can live without
for a while. For the items that must be left behind, talk to your caseworker about what can be done to keep them safe.

When I’m in foster care, will I be able to see my family?

If you want to see your family, you will be able to see them when it is safe to do so. Visiting times will be set up so that you can be together. Sometimes, children and youth aren’t comfortable seeing their parents right away. Others want to see parents as soon as possible. Make sure your caseworker knows how you feel about visits. Together you can make a plan that feels right for you.

Use the form below to list items you'd like to get from your house to bring to foster care. You can always add things to the list later (in case you've forgotten something). Give a copy of this to your caseworker, bioparent, or foster parent)

Will I be able to see my old friends?

Foster parents know it’s important for kids to keep up their friendships. Tell them about your friends, and if possible, have them meet your friends. Foster parents are interested in knowing the people you like to spend time with, and that you are getting support from your friends. Sometimes circumstances make it difficult or impossible to see friends right away, so be patient and call or send them emails or letters.

Will I be separated from my brothers and sisters?

Whenever possible, caseworkers try to find a home where brothers and sisters can be placed together. They know how much brothers and sisters help each other and back each other up. However, sometimes, it is difficult to find a home that can take more than one foster youth. Talk to your caseworker and foster parent about arranging times when you can visit with your brothers and sisters or at least talk to them on the phone.

Can I bring my pet with me to foster care?

It usually isn’t possible to bring a pet with you to a foster home. There are many reasons. Many times the foster home does not have space for the pet or the extra money it takes to care for an animal. Some people are allergic to animals. Sometimes
foster homes have small children and don’t feel it is safe to have animals.

Also, your placement in the home may be temporary. If you are concerned about what will happen to your pet, talk to your caseworker and foster parents. Ask them to help you find a solution that will keep your pet safe. Visits with your family could allow for visits with your pets.

How can I let my opinions be heard when I'm entering foster care?

If you want your ideas and feelings to be known, you will need to express yourself clearly to the person who can make a difference. When you first come into foster care, this may seem like a pretty scary thing to do, so here are some tips.

You may have heard these words: Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you don’t know what you mean, if you are not sure about what you think and feel, take some time to think things through. If your answer is still "I don’t know”, then it is OK to say, "For now I don’t know".

To help you organize your thoughts, we’ve included a form: "Entering Foster Care". As you fill out this form, you may get some good ideas. Be sure to write them all down.

The next step will be to find the right person to talk to. Usually your caseworker will be able to help you most about your case plan. Your foster parent can also be helpful. For problems at school, talk to your counselor or teacher.

So get started. How is anyone going to know what you want unless you talk to them about it? If your words express careful thought and honest feelings, then others will respond to what you say.

My parent is really, really upset and angry at me. What do I do?

Almost every parent who has experienced having a child removed from their home by a government agency is very upset. They often feel defensive or embarrassed if they are being accused of not being a good parent. Sometimes they are all worked up if they feel they are not being treated fairly or feel that someone has violated their rights.
Usually being mad at you is a cover-up for feeling embarrassed or defensive.

So what do you do? Often it just takes time for things to cool down. It may take a few days, a week, a month, or even longer, but eventually most angry parents chill. You may want to ask your case worker to arrange to have a therapist
available when you visit with your parent.

Why can’t they make the abuser leave so I can stay home?

Unfortunately, there is not really a fair answer to this question. While steps are being taken to stop the abuser, your caseworker’s job is to see that you are safe and receiving good care. If the abuser remains in your home, although it isn’t fair to you,
you may need to live somewhere else in order to remain protected.

I promise to be good. Why can't I just go back home with my family? Can I see them?

Being "bad" isn’t the reason that you are in foster care, so being "good" isn’t the way to get back home. Ask your caseworker to discuss the real problems that make it necessary for you to be in foster care.

How about friends, classmates and others. Do they need to know? Can I see them?

Your caseworker, judges, attorneys and foster parents all must keep sensitive information about your case confidential, which means that information about you and your situation is private and cannot be told to other people unless it
is to meet your needs.

Some confidential information, like medical, educational, reasons for your removal from your parents’ home may be shared with your foster parents and other professionals working with you. You can ask your caseworker about what information is shared.

Friends and others may ask why you are no longer living with your family. People may ask because they care about you, not just because they are being nosy. It is your right to tell or not tell them about your situation. Questions might be hard for you to answer, so it’s a good idea to practice some answers. It's OK to say something
like these statements when you don't want to tell people about your situation:

"I’m just not comfortable talking about it."
"I’m sorry, but that information is private."
"I am supposed to keep that information confidential."
"I’ll have to talk to my caseworker and see if I can talk about it."
"It’s none of your business, but thanks for asking."

Types of Foster Homes

Family Foster Home
A private home where a foster child lives. This home is the most family-like setting available to youth who are removed from their biological home. The home is usually limited to a total of 6 children under the age of 18, including the foster family’s
biological children. Sometimes your foster home can be with a relative, which is called kinship care.

Therapeutic Foster Home
This foster home gives special care to youth with behavioral or emotional needs. The foster family gets special training and support to help a young person deal with problems they might be having.

Group Home/Residential Facility
This is a licensed facility with 24-hour staff which provides care for youth. This placement provides individualized treatment for youth such as psychiatric consultation and group and individual therapy sessions.

Shelter
A residential facility that provides care for youth in crisis on a short-term basis.

Diagnostic Facility
Short term placement that provides medical, educational, psychiatric, psychological and substance (drugs and/or alcohol) abuse evaluations and family assessments.

Transitional Living Program
This program is available sometimes to youth who are getting ready for living on their own. The program teaches life skills and helps to set and follow goals (education, work, and relationships...). These programs help youth get ready for life on their own as adults.

Who is responsible for me now? What is the "Agency"

Every state has an agency or department that is responsible for making sure that children are not harmed in their own home. The agency is a part of your state government, often called Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) or Department of Human Services (DHS). Some states also have county government with similar agencies that report to the state agency. Sometimes other agencies called "private agencies" are hired by your state to help look after foster youth too.

The important thing to remember is this: The agency is hired by the citizens of your state for one reason: to help children. Your caseworker, who works in the agency, has one job to work for the good of you and the other foster childen in their care. YOUR CASEWORKER WORKS FOR YOU! (Sometimes it may not seem like it, but give them a chance—your caseworker is on your side.)

What does "ward of the court" mean?

The law says that every minor (children and youth under age 18) must have an adult or adults who care and take responsibility for them.

When the agency finds out a kid is in danger, a caseworker investigates the situation and may need to remove the youth from the home. The caseworker then goes to court to tell a judge about the danger in the home. If the judge decides that the child is unsafe, the court takes responsibility for the child, and the child becomes a "ward" of the court. Now this may sound silly. After all, how can the court be a parent? Does that mean that a judge is going to show up each night and cook
your dinner?

Not at all. The judge (or the court) assigns a "guardian" – someone to fill in and take the place of a biological parent. Sometimes a guardian is a relative (grandparent, aunt, or cousin), a teacher or a foster parent. The court also gives the agency the responsibility to make plans for the time spent in foster care. This plan is sometimes called the Case Plan.

What exactly is the caseworkers (or social workers) job?

It is your caseworker’s job to become the overall coordinator of your case plan. They listen to what you have to say about your case plan. They work with many people and groups, check out places for you to live, are always mindful of the laws in your state about foster care and follow the instructions of the court.

A caseworker can be the key to getting things you want or need. They are full of valuable information. They know who you must talk to if you want to get things changed. They know where to get stuff. And even though they might seem grumpy sometimes, the reason they became a caseworker or social worker in the first place was to help out children and youth like you.

How can I reach my caseworker?

Your caseworker is usually at work Monday through Friday from 9 in the morning until 5 in the afternoon. Usually the best way to reach your caseworker is by phone. To be sure you remember everything you want to say, write it all down before you call. When phoning your caseworker, be prepared to leave a message in case they are out of the office. Always leave your name and phone number, even if you think they know your voice and have your number. It makes it easier for them to call you back.

How often can I expect to see my caseworker?

Every state has different requirements on how often a caseworker must meet with their clients (foster kids) face-to-face. Usually, visits take place at least every 30 days. Children in permanent foster care may not meet with caseworkers for an
even longer time.

When you are first in foster care it is not unusual to see your caseworker (or social worker) a lot. And, just like at school where you like some teachers and others you don’t, you’ll find the same is true with caseworkers. You’ll probably like some and not
others. The thing to remember, though, is that your caseworker can hold the "key" to making your life in foster care better, so try to create a good relationship with them.

Do I need my foster parent’s permission before I call my caseworker?

No. If you need to talk to your caseworker and don’t feel comfortable asking your foster parent for permission, that’s OK. Usually, though, it is best to talk to your foster parent first because they might have the answer you are looking for or may be able to help you with your problem. If you aren’t able to call from your foster home, you can use a phone at school (ask a school counselor to assist you). Other ways to contact your caseworker are by writing them a note, sending an e-mail, or stopping by their office to see them in person.

Contacting your Caseworker

These examples aren't meant to tell you what to do in every situation, but they should give you some guidelines to follow in deciding when to contact your caseworker, and when to hold off. You won't get in trouble for contacting your caseworker, but these guidelines can help you be considerate of their busy schedules:

Important reasons to call your caseworker RIGHT NOW:
Physical harm or threats going on in your foster home
Sexual harrassment or sexual abuse in your foster home, by a counselor, or at school
Problems in your home that are so serious you are thinking of running away

If you can't reach your caseworker, ask to talk to someone else
immediately. Tell them that it is a problem that can't wait. If no one answers, call 911 or the police.

If you are being abused, you may also call the National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453

Other reasons to call:
You got grounded and now you can't go to a school dance
The rules in the foster home are much stricter than you are used to
To find out if you can go to summer camp
To tell them about an award you've won (they do love to hear about your achievements!)
To get additional money for new clothes or a special outfit you need
To get copies of personal documents like a birth certificate or Social Security card.
Ask your foster parent before calling, leave a message for your caseworker or wait until your next regular visit. Once you have left foster care and are on your own, it is okay to call your old caseworker for information of any kind that related to your time in foster care.

Tips for the conversation:
When you call, fully introduce yourself: "Hi, this is Joe Jones. I live with the Smiths. I was hoping that you could help me with a problem I'm having."

If you get an answering machine or voicemail, you can leave the same message, but BE SURE TO LEAVE YOUR NAME AND PHONE NUMBER, otherwise, your caseworker will have to look it up. The easier you make it, the sooner you'll get called back.

Speak clearly and slowly. Think about what you are going to say before you call so that your thoughts are organized when you are trying to explain your situation.

A tip to remember:
Give your caseworker a break. Caseworkers have very difficult jobs and must deal with tough problems all day long. Sometimes saying something nice like "I know you have a tough job and I really appreciate any help you can give me" is just the ticket to making a caseworker eager to help you out.

Why does it take my caseworker so long to call me back?

There can be many reasons your caseworker doesn’t always return your calls right away.
1.Problem urgency. Your caseworker must spend time on the most serious issues first.
Children suffering abuse or other dangerous situations will receive attention first.

2. Information gathering. Your caseworker may be waiting for an answer from someone else
in order to help you.

3. The time you called. If you call in the evening or weekends it may seem like it is
taking longer for a reply. Allow 3 business days (don’t count Saturdays and Sundays)
for a call back. If you haven’t heard by then, you should try calling your caseworker again.

Where can I get my caseworker’s name and phone number if I lose it?

Your foster parent or school counselor can help you locate the phone number. If you know the agency name, look it up in your phone book (sometimes listed under a special “government” section). You can also log onto www.fosterclub.com, click on "State Info" and find your state. Once you do get the number, be sure to write it down on the inside front cover of this book or some other place where you’ll be able to find it when it
is needed.

Why do I keep getting new caseworkers?

Almost always, the first caseworker you meet will be with you for just a short time. This first caseworker specializes in "intake", which is the process of bringing a new youth into foster care.Then, you will get a regular caseworker. Changes happen again as caseworkers move to new locations, get new jobs, or acquire more youth
clients than they can handle.

What if I don't feel supported by my caseworker?

It’s up to you to decide how serious this situation is. Even if you are unhappy with your caseworker, there is no guarantee that you will like the next one any better. Also, changing caseworkers can be a difficult process.

Talking to your foster parents might help sort out your thoughts and feelings. Try to be specific about the reasons you don’t feel supported. The next step is to call a meeting
with your caseworker and go over your concerns one by one (maybe you can write everything out first). Tell them you’re not happy with how things are. Many kids end up liking their caseworker even though they had clashes at first. If all else fails, you can talk to your caseworker’s supervisor.

Why is my caseworker so mean to my bio-parents?

It can be hard on children and youth to see someone treating their parents harshly. As much as it hurts, you need to try not to take it too personally. Sometimes a caseworker must lean on a parent to get them to do the right thing. In the end, the caseworker is acting this way because it is important for your parent to get back on track and learn better parenting skills so you can go home, if that is the plan.

It is not unusual for a parent to dislike a caseworker at first, then like them after awhile. Much of this is due to the extreme emotions people have when children are concerned. If, after considering these explanations, you still feel that your parent is being treated unfairly, you may ask to speak to the caseworker’s supervisor. Also, you may ask to be out of the room when your parent and caseworker are discussing things. This way, you cannot be put in the middle of the argument.

How are foster homes and foster parents checked out?

All homes are checked out and approved by the Agency before you can be placed there. They are usually checked out at least once a year after that. In addition, your foster parents have received special training and have gone through a police check. Your caseworker will be dropping by from time to time to check on things and talk with the family.

What are the rules?

Rules are different in each home, depending on the age of the children and youth in the home and the parenting styles of the foster parents. You can ask the foster parents and your caseworker what the rules are at your foster home and ask your caseworker to help you negotiate with your foster parents if you think the rules are unfair. Sometimes it takes time to build trust in a new home. It might be hard to remember all of the rules of a new home at first, but foster parents usually understand that it takes time to adjust and will be patient if they know you are trying to follow the rules.

Will I have a good foster home?

You will have a safe place to live with people who care about you. If you don’t feel this is true about the foster home you are in, tell your caseworker

What do I call my foster parents?

This is handled many different ways. What is most important is that you and your foster parents are both comfortable with the names you decide upon. So talk to them about it and come up with what works best for you and your foster family. (Check out the list on the right)

Will there be other children/youth at my foster home?

There may be children of the foster parents as well as other foster kids living in your home. Some families prefer to care for just one foster youth at a time. If you are in a group home or residential center, there will be many young people living with you.

Why should I believe foster families care so much when we’re not even their kids?

Foster parents are people who like and value children and want to help them have good lives. Some foster parents have had experiences of their own which make them more aware and appreciative of foster children/youth. Some foster parents have not had such experiences, but want very much to hear your feelings and offer help in your life.

Can I have my own room?

Different states have different rules about how many children and youth can live in a foster home, and these rules usually depend on how many bedrooms there are in the home. While you may not always get your own room, you do have a right to have your own space with storage to keep your things.

Will foster parents accept me for who I am and what I believe in?

Most foster parents will try to accept you for who you are, just as you should try to accept them. If they feel that some of your beliefs or activities could harm you or their family, then they will try to help you understand and make changes. Just like people everywhere, some foster parents are very accepting while others are more rigid.

What are the responsibilities of my foster parents?

Your foster parents have a contract with the Agency to provide certain services. Generally, they are responsible to keep a safe and healthy home, provide nourishing meals, enable the kids in their care to have an education, medical and dental care,
among other things.

What can I do to feel accepted into my foster family?

Feeling accepted does not always happen quickly. It helps to listen, share, and
cooperate with your foster family. Then relax. In time you will probably feel more
comfortable. Though you may not feel like "part of the family”, if you treat every
one in the home with respect and care, you will certainly be part of a good thing.

Do foster parents treat everyone equally?

Most foster homes have a set rules that apply to everybody in the home and some that may vary depending on age. However, each member is different and certain kids may have needs that require special time and attention. If you feel you are being treated unequally, talk about it with your foster parents.

How will I be treated?

The Agency expects that you will be treated with respect, honesty and kindness. Most foster parents become foster parents because they care deeply about children and want to help. All people and all foster parents are different and have different views on things and different ways of doing things. It may take you some time to adjust to a new family.

Will my foster parents trust me?

Most foster parents will want to get to know a foster youth before they give away a lot a trust. More trust, freedom, and responsibility will be given as you earn it.

Can they hit me when I’m in foster care?

Physical punishment is not acceptable in foster homes. If you’re in a home where there is physical discipline or abuse of any kind, you should report it immediately to your caseworker or another responsible adult

If I don’t follow the rules, what will happen?

Different foster parents have different ways to discipline kids. Some may give extra chores or take away privileges or ground you. Ask your foster parents about the consequences for breaking house rules.

While the rules for foster homes are different in each state, generally the following forms of discipline are NOT allowed:
• Physical force or threat of physical force inflicted in any manner.
• Verbal abuse, including derogatory remarks about the child or the child's family.
• Denial of food, clothing, or shelter.
• Denial of visits, telephone, or mail contact with family.
• Assignment of extremely strenuous exercise or work.
• Punishment for bed-wetting.
• Delegating or permitting punishment of a child by another child.
• Threat of removal from the foster home as punishment.
• Use of cold showers as punishment.

If you are told by your foster parent and your caseworker that these are acceptable forms of punishment in your state, talk to your caseworker’s supervisor or your attorney.

What are my responsibilities when I’m in foster care?

Responsibilities depend on your age and the home you are living in. For example, teens may be expected to make their bed, take clothes to the laundry room, do their own laundry, help with the dishes, perform other household chores, attend school everyday, do their homework and be home on time. Again, talk to your foster parents about what they expect. Ask them for help if you don’t understand their rules or requests.

Why do foster parents have the right to look through my room?

Foster parents must be concerned for the safety of every member of the household. Some feel that the only way they can keep tabs on everyone is through surveillance. If you feel your foster parents are looking through your room and you don’t know why, talk to them or to your caseworker. You can tell them that you’re not doing anything wrong—no drugs, no sex, no gangs, etc., and ask them to trust you and respect your privacy.

Do foster parents have the right to open my mail?

Usually, foster parents cannot legally open your mail. In some cases, however, the Agency has the authority to intercept mail addressed to children for whom it has guardianship. Ask your caseworker about the rules in your state.

Can I phone my parents directly from my foster home?

The type of contact you have with your parents, even phone calls, needs to be checked out with your caseworker and foster parents. Sometimes it’s a matter of money, long distance charges can add up! Sometimes your contact with parents is limited to supervised visits. Many kids, however, do call their parents, sisters, brothers and friends from their foster home. Ask your foster parents about the rules regarding phone calls. If you’ve been told you cannot contact your family, get the reasons from your caseworker.

If I’m really unhappy where I am, can I move?

The reality is, there are only so many foster parents and it may be hard to find another home for you. Ask your caseworker for a private meeting to discuss your unhappiness. Remember, it’s normal for children/youth in your situation to have feelings of unhappiness and anger. These emotions may only partly relate to your foster home. While moving may be an option, it sometimes doesn’t solve your problems. You may want to work on other ways to improve your life. Moving from one home to another, even if one is
available, is such a drastic solution, it should only be used when nothing else will work.

How do I talk to my foster parents and have them listen to me?

Foster parents are often busy people and may give the impression that they don’t have time to talk to you. Ask them (politely) to set aside a time for you to talk with each other. When you talk to them, speak honestly and let them know exactly how you are feeling. It doesn’t hurt to have a few positive comments. If your foster parents don’t say what you want to hear, it doesn’t mean they aren’t listening. Good communication runs two ways, so listen as well as talk.

What is a "bio-parent"?

"Bio-parent" is short for biological parent, which refers to your birth mom and dad, or the people responsible for bringing you into the world. Some kids use this term instead of "real" parents, partly because they feel that a foster parent is also a "real" parent (after all, if they aren't real, would that mean that they are pretend?).

Why won’t my bio-parent just stop what they are doing so I can go home?

Your bio-parent probably wishes they could change their situation, but many problems take months and even years to change. Drug and alcohol addiction, mental illness, abusive behavior all need professional help, classes, medical
attention and time to correct. The agency has notified your bio-parent about what changes need to be made before you can return to their home. You can ask your caseworker about their requirements.

My bio-parent says they’ve changed and are following all the rules. Can I go home now?

Foster children and youth are usually the first to realize that just because someone says something, it doesn’t mean it’s true. It is very common for parents to try to convince everyone that they have changed. After all, they want to get you back home. It is the agency’s job to make sure that changes have actually been made for good. Your
caseworker will make sure you can go home at the earliest possible date, if that goal is part of your foster care plan.

Will I have visits with my family?

When the goal of your foster care case plan is to visit your biological parents, the agency will work to set up a visitation plan that is based on you and your parent’s safety. Visits may become more frequent as you have more and more successful visits.
Visitation can also be scheduled with relatives, brothers and sisters and close
friends.

How often will I visit with my bio-family? Where will the visits be?

The number of visits is different for every youth in care and is partly based
on the reasons you entered foster care, the distance you live from your bio-family and everyone’s schedules. Visits should be in a relaxed and natural setting such as community parks, or a visitation center. If you cannot attend a scheduled meeting, call your caseworker in advance to cancel.

I feel so awkward at family visits. What should I say or do?

Family visits, especially at first, can be strange and awkward. It can help to have an activity planned such as the ones on pages 58-59. Parents usually like to hear about the things you’ve been doing, but it’s almost always hard to think them up on the spot. You might want to start keeping a journal to share with your parent on visit days.

Why didn’t my bio-parent show up at our visit?

It can be so disappointing when a parent doesn’t show up for a scheduled visit. It’s hard to know what to think. But it isn’t a sign that your parent doesn’t love you or that they don’t care. Life for your parent may be very confusing at this time. They may be struggling with addictions and were not fit to attend the visit. They may be angry at the agency and want to "get back" by not attending meetings (which unintentionally hurts you). Some children ask their caseworker not to tell them in advance about meetings. That way, they don’t get their hopes up. When a parent does show up for the meeting, a phone call is made to the foster parent who can tell them it’s time for a visit. That way there is no disappointment or hurt if the bio-parent doesn’t show. Let your caseworker or foster parent know if this is a plan you would like to follow.

Why do some visits with bio-parents have to be supervised?

Safety is the first reason that visits are supervised. Sometimes kids don’t feel comfortable alone with their parent and sometimes they may not be safe alone with them. Another reason is that a caseworker can help parents and children improve communication and their relationship. But not all visits are supervised, so if you want unsupervised
visits, talk to your caseworker. Some youth ask caseworkers to supervise visits because they feel more safe with someone else in the room.

What if my parent shows up at a visit and I can tell they’ve been drinking or doing drugs?

Often children and youth are much better than caseworkers at judging their parents. If you suspect your bio-parent has been using alcohol or drugs or if your bio-parent does or says something else that makes you uncomfortable, make an excuse to leave the room (like you need to use the restroom or another excuse). Find another adult and explain the situation. Do not confront your parent on your own. Do not get into a car with your parent if you think they have been drinking or doing drugs. Contact your caseworker immediately.

What if I don't want to visit my family?

Talk with your caseworker if you are not comfortable with visitation at any time. Usually a youth has the right to choose whether or not to participate in a visit.

What do I do if by bio-parent is trying to get me to run away or to meet me privately without my caseworker knowing

It is very wrong and really unfair for your bioparent to put you through this. It’s a very difficult position for a child or youth. You shouldn’t have to choose between doing what your parent wants and what you know is right. Remember, the court has decided that your bio-parent is not able to take good care of you and that is why you are now in
foster care. The fact that your bio-parent is asking you to break rules is an example of poor parenting.

If you feel strong enough, let your bio-parent know that it is not okay to put you in a position to lie or sneak around your caseworker. When you get up the courage to say "no" to your bio-parent, they’ll probably stop asking you to do sneaky
things. In the meantime, talk to you foster parent and caseworker about it.

I’m worried that something will happen to my bio-parent.

It’s not unusual for a foster youth to be worried about their parent. Try to remember this: your bio-parent is an adult and they have lots of people and organizations available to help them. At your next visit, you might tell your bio-parent how you feel. It can also help to talk to a counselor about your worries. They might be able to come up with solutions that will put your mind at ease.

Why doesn’t my parent love me enough to change?

Some parents’ lives are troubled. They have addictions or illnesses which make it difficult to raise children.

Alcohol and drug addiction are examples of serious addictions which have powerful effects over lives. Recovery from alcohol and drugs is
difficult, takes major support, medical attention, professional help, as well as time. Illness, especially mental illness, is equally difficult to overcome. You can see that recovery takes more than love. If your parent has not been able to change permanently, it does not mean that they don’t love you.

Why can’t I live with my brothers and sisters?

Caseworkers try to place brothers and sisters in the same home, but this is often difficult to do. The main reason is that foster parents sometimes don’t have room for more than one foster youth. If you are separated from brothers and sisters, be sure your caseworker and your foster parents know how much you want to stay connected to them and work out a schedule for visits and phone calls.

I really miss my brothers and sisters. How can I keep in touch with them?

Keeping contact with family while you are in foster care can be very important. Let your
caseworker and foster parents know that you need time together, although you may only be
able to have face-to-face visits every once in a while. Remember to write letters or e-mails, and make phone calls to brothers and sisters. Ask caseworkers and foster parents to help you keep in touch with these important people in your life.

Will I be able to contact my other relatives?

If there are other relatives you would like to keep in touch with, let your caseworker
know. However, keep in mind, the fact that you have been placed in foster care can bring up all kinds of feelings in other relatives. Some of them may feel guilty that they didn’t do anything to help your situation sooner, and their feelings of guilt may lead them to stay away from you. In many cases, visits and phone calls and letters to relatives are just fine.

I’m feeling guilty because I don’t really miss my family. Is there something wrong with me?

No one will blame you for being happier in foster care than you were with your family. Whatever the reason that you were placed in foster care, chances are that most youth would not miss those problems. It is understandable and okay to still feel affection or love or loyalty for your bio-parent but at the same time not want to live with them (at least for now).

My brother (or sister) is so angry at our bio-parent. Why are they being so mean?

Children and youth deal with family problems and being in foster care differently. Some people get angry, some get sad, some say they don’t care. The different ways you and your sibling feel are both okay.

My bio-parent has told me to keep secrets. What should I do?

This is a tough decision. On one hand, you want to be loyal to your bio-parent. You might even be scared of what they will do if you tell the secret. On the other hand, you know that your parent needs some help to get their life together, and a counselor or caseworker should have the information to help them. The secret might even be something that puts your parent or yourself in danger.

If you do tell the secret, your parent might be angry. On the other hand, telling could mean that someone may be able to help you or your parent solve the problem. You must decide if your are willing to deal with some of the anger in order for the problem to be solved. Talking to a counselor can be extremely helpful, and most secrets are kept confidential by counselors. Talk to your counselor about secret keeping.

Can I be kept from visiting my bio-family as a punishment for something I did wrong?

You should not be kept from visiting your biofamily as a form of punishment by your foster parents. If you get into trouble with the law, you may be kept from seeing your bio-family on a temporary basis if you are incarcerated. If you have questions about this and think that you are not being treated fairly, let your caseworker or attorney know.

What is a Foster Care Case Plan?

A plan is put together to figure out how you can return home or find another good place for you to live. The plan is put together by your caseworkers, the court (a judge) and a team of others who design a plan that will be best for you. If your goal
in foster care is reunification with your family then your Foster Care Case Plan will probably list what needs to change at home before this can happen (for instance, drug or alcohol counseling or parenting classes).

It may be decided that adoption is the best plan for you. For older youth, the Foster Care Case Plan may be to stay in foster care until you are legally
an adult.

What is "Reunification"?

Reunification happens when you go back to live with your bio-family. If your caseworker says your plan is reunification, it means that the plan is for you to return to your family when the time is right.

How do I find out about my plan?

Ask your caseworker what your Foster Care Case Plan contains. You may ask what is being required of your bio-parents before the plan is completed. The caseworker may also have
certain requirements for you to meet.

Do I have a say in my Foster Care Case Plan?

It is very important that you speak up about your foster care case plan. The form we have provided at the end of this chapter can help you organize your thoughts and let everyone know your ideas. Make copies of the form and give it to your caseworker, foster
parents, attorney, GAL or CASA, judge at your hearings, and yourself.

If you want even more input, ask your caseworker if you can be involved in meetings
where your Foster Care Case Plan is being discussed. You may also ask to be included in all court hearings.

Who decides my Foster Care Case Plan?

A judge makes the final decision about your plan. But since the judge doesn’t usually know you or your family personally, they usually rely on the agency report, what your caseworker recommends, input from your bioparent’s attorney, and information from your foster parents. To speak up for you there may be a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate), a GAL(Guardian Ad Litum), or an attorney appointed by the court.

Why do we have to go to court to discuss my foster care plan?

Going to court (which means talking about your plan with a judge) shows you and your parents and other family members how serious your state is about treating children well. When children are involved, there are a lot of emotions and disagreements about the best plan. The judge is specially trained to make decisions regarding families and foster care and will make a decision based on the best situation for you. The judge listens to what everyone thinks, then decides on the plan, which offers you the safest, and best care. The judge is also very interested in what you have to say, so attend all court hearings if possible.

What is my parent required to do before I can go back and live with them?

Sometimes the judge and the agency put a plan together that your bio-parent must follow for reunification (in order for you to return to their home). What they are required to do will depend on your family’s situation. Some things they may be required to do are:

• Go through drug or alcohol rehab
• Attend parenting classes
• Find employment
• Find suitable housing
• Take anger management classes
• Terminate an abusive relationship
• Maintain sobriety for an amount of time
• Receive counseling
• Receive psychological or other testing

Whether or not your parent chooses to follow the plan is up to them.

What if my parent never shapes up?

Your foster care plan will change if your parent does not make the changes that are being required by the agency. You may go to live with a relative, you might stay in foster care, or you could be adopted. You should have input regarding this decision. If this is a concern, talk to your caseworker and ask them to discuss the options with you.

How does the agency and my caseworker help me get reunited with my family?

Your caseworker helps you and your family figure out what needs to be changed to make your life at home better and safer. The caseworker can find people who will help your parents make the changes.

Why is my caseworker trying to get me back together with my bio-parent when I don’t want to go back?

Foster care is meant to be a short-term place for you to stay while your family works on the troubles they are having and it becomes safe for you to return. If you don’t want to
go back to your bio-parent’s home, you must let your "team" know: foster parents, caseworker and attorney, or Guardian ad Litem (GAL) or Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA). See Chapter 7 for more information about GAL and CASA. Explain your reasons clearly and calmly. You can use the form at the end of this chapter to let your
team know what you think.

What is "Permanence"?

Permanence refers to the goal of finding a longterm, or permanent living plan for you. Foster care is meant to be a temporary solution to the problems you were experiencing at home. Everyone knows how difficult it is to live a healthy, happy life when you are in a home for the short-term and don’t know what to expect day to day. Your caseworker, the agency, your attorney, and others are working for "permanency" for you, coming up with a living situation you can count on. If you have ideas about who you would like to live with, you should let your caseworker and other team members know. Often the best foster homes and adoptive homes come from people youth already know.

Why do I need it?

Permanency adds a sense of stability by providing you with life long connections with caring adults. These adults will be your safety net as you move through life, even after you leave foster care and transition to adulthood.

How do I get it?

Your caseworker will be working with you to develop Permanency goals for your Foster Care
Case Plan. Make sure that you participate in the development of that Plan and that you know what your Permanency goal is. The other important thing is to be open to new relationships with supportive adults, even though you may have been hurt in the past. Learning to trust can take time, but it is necessary to build new relationships that you can rely on throughout your life.

What is "TPR"?

TPR stands for "Termination of Parental Rights", meaning that bio parents don’t have a legal relationship to the child anymore. It is important to terminate parental rights when a child is to be adopted by another family. TPR may also take place if reunification seems to be impossible or if bio parents are a danger to a child. Only a judge in court can decide to TPR.

Can I be adopted by my foster parents?

In some cases foster parents do adopt their foster children. If this is your wish, don’t be afraid to speak up. You may also want to stay open to the idea of being adopted by another family, who could be just as caring and loving as your foster family.

Why can’t I be adopted?

There are many reasons it can be difficult for a young person to be adopted. Some of the common reasons are:

1. Parental rights have not been terminated. Another family cannot adopt a child who legally has other parents.
2. If you need to stay with your brothers and sisters, it could really be difficult to find a family who can take you all.
3. Sometimes it is harder to find families for older children or children with disabilities.

Do not take it personally if you want to be adopted and it doesn’t happen right away. Some children and youth wait years before they are adopted. Many others are not adopted before they turn 18. By then, they are legally adults themselves and have a new opportunity to begin to establish a successful life. When the time is right, they can create a strong family of their own. If you want to be adopted, or have ideas about a supportive, caring adult that you would like to live with or build a stronger relationship with, make sure your caseworker knows. Many youth in foster care help to find new families by identifying other relatives, teachers, friend’s families, etc. that
they already have relationships with.

Do I have any say in what happens to me while I am in foster care?

It’s very important that you take part in planning for your future. On page 76-77 you will find the form “My Foster Care Case Plan” to help you express your ideas. If you want help filling it out, ask your case worker, foster parent, guardian, or
another trusted adult.

Do I have a choice about where I live? Can I keep going to my own school?

Your wishes will be taken into consideration in the selection of your foster home. Sometimes, however, there is not an available home in your neighborhood or school district, or your social worker may feel it would be better for you to move to another area.

Who is making decisions about what is happening in my life?

Usually, your caseworker tells you about plans, so it may seem like he or she has all the say about your life. But your caseworker is not the one making all the decisions. There is a whole "team" working to decide what is best for you, including attorneys, a judge, counselors, foster parents, the agency, bio-parents, and relatives. It is important for you to become part of the "team", also.

Can I participate in meetings where decisions are made about me?

Most states allow youth to go to these meetings when they reach a certain age. Speak to your caseworker about attending meetings regarding your Foster Care Case Plan. Often the meeting are held during school hours, so you may have to miss some school to attend these meetings. Discuss this with your caseworker and foster parents. Sometimes meetings can be held after school hours.

Keep this in mind: it can be painful to hear all the details about your life that come up in these meetings. In order to make good decisions about your plan, the "team" needs to share details about your history. They may discuss problems you are having now or have had in the past. (Usually, team members promise not to talk about any of these
things with anyone not on your "team".) Some teens are uncomfortable listening to all the talk, so they ask to talk to the team, but not stay for the meeting. They give their ideas and opinions, then leave. Make arrangements with your caseworker or social worker to speak at the agency meetings concerning your plan, meetings in court, or in any
other planning meetings.

How do I let my ideas and feelings be known?

This is a good question because letting your ideas and feelings be known is an important way of standing up for yourself. You can express your thoughts in several ways, some helpful, some not. If you aren’t comfortable talking about your ideas, try writing them down. Try using the "FYI: Foster Youth Involved" forms in this book (see Table of Contents for a complete list), or download extra forms on www.fosterclub.com.

Why should I write down my complaint or problem?

Very important things are often written down. For instance, when you graduate from high school, someone doesn’t say: “Okay, you’re done.” Instead you are given a diploma, a written statement that you are officially finished with high school. It’s the same with other important things.

When you write down a complaint or problem it makes people feel that this is important and needs attention.

When you write down a problem you get additional time to think things through and organize your thoughts.

When you write down a problem you don’t have to worry about being quiet or shy or
embarrassed when "put on the spot" to talk about your ideas.

When you write down a problem you can be sure that the problem is always told in your
own words instead of being passed on from person to person and changing each time.

If writing down your complaints and problems seems like good idea, you can use the "FYI: Foster Youth Involved" form below.

Make copies and pass out to your caseworker foster parents, the Agency, your CASA, GAL or Attorney. Be sure to keep a copy for yourself.

Why can’t I just take care of the problem myself?

You can try. Sometimes just writing your problem down clears your brain enough that you can see a solution to your problem yourself.

But some problems are too big and too
complicated to solve yourself. Some problems need professionals to solve (like if you have a health problem, you talk to a doctor). Some problems get solved faster if you have an adult on your side to talk for you.

Another reason to get help solving your problems is The Problem Spreading Theory. This idea says that every problem has a certain "weight". A problem may be very, very heavy or not so heavy at all.

When a person carries a problem with them without involving anyone else, they are carrying the entire weight of the problem themselves (figure A). If they tell others about the problem, the problem’s weight is spread out, making the load much less heavy for the person who had the original problem (figure B). By sharing your problem with another person, a friend, a parent, relative, teacher, or counselor you can make your
problem much more manageable.

Who can I call when I need to talk to someone?

It’s a great idea to start to develop a "support network", or a group of people you can depend on to help you with challenges and to give you advice. Reach out to the people on this list:
• Coach or Teacher
• Minister or Priest
• Youth Group Leader
• Counselor or Therapist
• Foster Parent
• Big Brother or Sister
• Relative or Mentor
• Attorney
• GAL or CASA
• Peer counselor
• Teen Support Groups
• Friend

What is the "chain of command"?

Think of the "chain of command" like stair steps. If you have a problem, you start on the bottom step. If your problem doesn’t get solved, you move up
to the next step and so on.

If you have a serious problem which relates in any way to foster care, then you’ll probably want to start with your foster parents. But they may be the problem, or maybe you’ve talked to them and nothing has happened. The next person in the chain of command may be your school counselor, CASA or GAL, or maybe you feel closer to your caseworker your caseworker's supervisor or your attorney.

Let’s say you talk to your caseworker and your problem still doesn’t get solved. Next, you would want to call your agency. You might say, "I am a foster child and I have a problem that has not been resolved by my caseworker. I would like to find out the chain of command and who I can talk to next." Every caseworker has a supervisor and every supervisor has a boss, and so on. You want to move up one step — or one person at a time
until your voice is heard.

Now here’s the trick. The agency has to deal with lots of problems every day. So you must be very sure that your problem is quite serious. For example, you probably should not use the chain of command to complain about the fact that you are not being allowed to go to a movie with friends. On the other hand, you may want to use the chain of command if you feel your foster home is not safe or if you are not being allowed visitation with siblings.

Why does it take so long for anyone to get back to me?

It is hard to wait for an answer when you have a complaint or problem. When you call your caseworker, try to remember that they only have a limited time to handle a lot of problems. Sometimes a caseworker has to solve the most urgent problems first. They know your problem is important, too, but it may take a little longer to get back to you.

What kind of problems should be reported to my caseworker?

There are certain problems you should IMMEDIATELY report to your caseworker:
ANYTIME you feel physically or mentally harmed or threatened. If there is physical or sexual abuse going on or if you think you are in danger, call 911 or the police in your area and get help!

What is the difference between "wants" and "needs"?

It is important to know the differences between wants and needs. It will help you to figure out your problem better and understand why caseworkers choose one problem to work on before working on another. Knowing the difference will also help you get respect from
adults. When they see that you understand the difference between wants and needs, it is a signal that you have reached a certain level of maturity. This chart shows some examples of wants and needs. Just because something is on the want list doesn’t mean that it isn’t important. You can live without having a want (or at least you can wait a
little longer for it).

Can I request to move to another placement?

You can request to be moved to a new placement, but think carefully about this. There is no guarantee that things will be better at your next placement than they are now. Making the request could be very awkward between you and your foster parents if there is not another home available for you. There are, however, some very good reasons to request a new placement:
• Abuse of any kind: physical, verbal, sexual
• Fear of harm
• Neglect (not enough food, no heat, etc.)
• Sexual harassment
• Drug abuse or other criminal activity in the household
• Inability to attend school or counseling

How can I become active in making changes in the foster care system?

Many youth, after they have been in foster care for a while, decide that they would like to use their own experience to help other kids. They have become "foster care experts", able to see the foster care system from a young person’s point of view. FosterClub All-Stars participate in a year long internship that helps them to develop their
leadership skills which they then use to help foster youth across the country. To learn more about the FosterClub All-Star Program log onto www.fosterclub.com. There are also Youth Advisory Boards of foster youth in many states. Ask your caseworker about opportunities in your area or log onto www.fosterclub.com. Using your own experience to help others is a great thing to do.

Do I have an attorney? How do I contact him or her?

Your caseworker can provide you with the name and number of your attorney. Your foster parent may also be able to help you get in touch with your lawyer. ("lawyer" and "attorney" are the same thing.)

Do I need a lawyer?

Youth in foster care are often automatically assigned an attorney to represent them when it is time to go to court. Unlike what you may have seen on TV, the reason most children and youth in foster care have a lawyer (attorney) has nothing to do with being in trouble. While you are in foster care you may be asked to appear in court for many reasons. There are court hearings scheduled regularly to make sure your situation is being paid attention to. Sometimes the trouble in your family gets reviewed in court. These court hearings have different names and purposes, including adjudication hearings, fact-finding hearings and dispositional hearings. Ask for explanations of anything you don't understand.

What if I get accused of a crime?

If you are accused of a crime, it is a good idea to talk to a lawyer who specializes in juvenile law (law concerning children). If you can’t afford to pay an attorney, tell your caseworker that you want a court appointed attorney.

Will I have to go to court?

Whether you are in foster care because of problems in your family or because you are accused of a crime – or both, you may be asked to go to court. If you have been accused of a crime, you will be asked to participate in the "hearing" (a hearing is when the facts and opinions about a problem are examined in court). If you are not accused of any crime and the hearing is about your foster care plan or other things related to foster care, you and your caseworker may be able to decide if you should attend the hearing. If you don’t attend court, be sure your caseworker knows what you want to have happen and tells you what occurred at the hearing.

What is a shelter hearing or a preliminary protective hearing?

This is a court hearing held shortly after being placed in foster care. At this hearing, the caseworker or juvenile court counselor will file a "petition" (a petition is a legal paper which describes why you have been placed in foster care to the judge). After considering the petition, the judge will decide if you should remain in foster care or be returned to your family.

What is an adjudication or factfinding hearing?

If you or your parents do not agree with the information in the petition and don’t
like what the judge decided, a fact-finding hearing will be held so that the judge can decide if the troubles listed in the petition are true. Evidence that the petition is wrong can be presented by you and your parents. Evidence that the petition is right will be presented by the Agency and may include your statements. After hearing the evidence, the judge will decide who is right. If the judge finds that the troubles listed in the petition are not true, he or she may decide to return you to your family. If he finds that the petition is true, you will usually remain in foster care.

What if I don’t understand all this legal stuff going on?

Don’t worry. It’s confusing to most people. Lawyers go to school for many years after college just to figure it all out.

You are not expected to understand all the details of what is happening legally in your life. But it is important to ask questions if there is anything you do wish to understand. If you don’t get it the first time it is explained, don’t be afraid to ask again until you have it figured out.

What should I wear to court?

It is important to look and act respectful when you go to court.

Why is it important? Well, you want the adults in the courtroom to listen to what you say and take you seriously. You need to show everyone that you care and are mature enough to realize when things are serious. One way to show this maturity is by how you dress. A suit and tie may not be necessary for guys, but dirty old jeans and a ripped t-shirt are too casual. What you wear should be clean and unwrinkled. You will be allowed to be in the courtroom even if you are not dressed up, but you may not receive the same level of respect and consideration as an appropriately dressed youth would receive. And remember, it is only one day – you can go back to your normal (or abnormal) style as soon as you leave court.

What is a CASA or GAL?

CASA is short for Court Appointed Special Advocate. GAL is short for Guardian AD Litem.
You may be assigned either a CASA or a GAL depending on where you live. It is their job to make sure that you are getting treated fairly by everyone in the foster care system. They also can have input about your Foster Care Case Plan.

Your CASA or GAL works for you, and many are volunteers (which is very cool). Be sure to let them know all your opinions about your Foster Care Case Plan and any problems that you might be having. They can be very resourceful people and might just be able to help you out.

What is a Review Board?

Some states have a Review Board which is usually made up of a group of citizens who are interested in making sure children in your state are being treated fairly. The Review Board checks on the plan for every child in the Agency’s care. They want to make sure that each plan leads to a safe, permanent home for every child, that services for the child are appropriate, that the plan is timely
and follows all laws relating to children.

Am I allowed to go to the Review Board meeting? How will I know when they are? How will I get there?

In most cases you may go to Review Board Meetings. In fact, the people (often volunteers) that make up the Review Board are usually very anxious to hear what you have to say. Your foster parents may also attend. The first review usually takes place within six months after placement in foster care.

After that, there will be regular reviews until you leave foster care. Ask your caseworker to let you know when the next Review Board meeting will be. Your caseworker or foster parents can help you get there.

What will my friends think about me going into foster care?

Different friends will look at it in different ways. Some of your friends will be very
supportive, and you might find that your friendships are strengthened as they help you cope through this difficult time. Other friends will back away from you when they hear about foster care because they just don’t understand foster care. They may have heard stories or they might have parents that are biased against youth in foster care. Some
people respond to a thing they don’t know about by rejecting it instead of educating themselves. The best you can do in this situation is know it isn’t your fault and you are the same person you’ve been all along.

Friends keep asking me questions and I just don’t want to discuss it. What can I say?

Do not feel pressured to tell anyone about your foster care situation unless you want to. If you are being pressured for details, practice a quick response like:
"I’ll tell you when I know more about it."
or
"I’m not comfortable talking about it right now."
or you can even say
"I’m not supposed to discuss the details of my situation because of confidentiality rules."

The point is you don’t have to tell anyone anything if you don’t want to. If you decide to share information about your situation then be sure to ask your friends to respect your privacy and not repeat what you have shared. Tell them how important trust is to your friendship.

What should I say when friends ask, "Are those your real parents"?

You could say:
"Of course they're real— do they look fake to you?"
Or, you could just explain that they are some very cool people that are letting you stay at their house until your family situation is worked out. Or, you could say that they are your foster parents.

If this situation worries you, talk with your foster parents. Some don’t mind if you call them "Aunt" or "Uncle". When you introduce them as "Aunt Kate" or "Uncle Jim", your friends probably won’t have questions.

I just want a new start. Is it wrong that I don’t want to keep in touch with old friends?

It is understandable that you might want to leave your past behind. Remember, though, your old friends may be worried about you. If you cut them off, they might think that you are angry with them. Instead of losing touch completely, you might want to think about "taking a break" from your friends for a while. Don’t make any final decisions to cut people off at this time. You can ask your foster parents to tell your friends that you are taking a break from things. After some time has passed, maybe a month or two, you can take a new look at this decision. This problem is a good one to discuss with a counselor or therapist.

I’ve never been good at making friends b/c I had so many family troubles. Why is it still hard now that I’m in foster care?

Making friends is not that easy. It can be difficult even for children and youth who don’t have to worry about things at home, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Making friends takes time.

Very often, people become friends with other kids who have similar interests. Talk to your foster parent, school counselor, or a teacher about joining a group inside or outside school.

Why can’t I see all my friends whenever I want – like I used to?

Your foster parents have been given the job of making sure that you stay safe and healthy. The amount of freedom you are given to see your friends will depend on:
1) How trustworthy you are
2) The kind of friends you hang out with (do they do well at school, do they stay out of trouble, do they have goals?)
3) How far away you live from your friends
4) Your track record for behavior—have you been in trouble with friends before?
5) Your track record for behavior at home

Are there people I can talk to about my problems?

Many youth talk to their friends about their problems. Another good choice is your foster parent. Other good listeners are teachers and school counselors. You can talk to your caseworker about your problems by calling them or making an appointment to talk to them. If you have a CASA or GAL, they are available to help with problems. Many people choose to discuss problems with a minister, priest or religious advisor. Depending on your problem, you may want to speak with your doctor, attorney, counselor or therapist. Remember, there are many people who want to help you.

How do I stay out of fights when I’m so angry inside?

Staying out of fights is especially hard when you are carrying around a lot of anger. The anger can take control of your life. It’s important to start talking to someone about how you feel. A counselor can help you understand what starts your anger and show you ways to let it go without hurting others.

Why does being in foster care upset my emotions so much, and how do I learn to live with it?

Moving away from family and everything you are used to and then moving in with strangers is a very big deal. It’s going to affect your emotions, no question about it. Getting used to change takes time and the kinds of changes you need to make as a foster youth are sometimes really hard. Stay in contact with people who are important to you, even though you are living in a new place. You might also learn to rely on others to help you, such as your new foster parents or a new friend at school. This is a difficult time for you. Don’t try to do it alone.

Will being in foster care make me a different person?

You will always be the same person, but since being in foster care is a new experience, it may change your outlook and way of doing things. As you meet the challenges you face in foster care, you will become stronger and smarter about your life.

Am I the only kid embarrassed to be in foster care?

At this time in your life it is hard to be different in any way from your friends. Some youth are embarrassed to be in foster care. Others aren’t. Just remember, being a child in foster care does not make you any better or worse than anyone else.

The kids at school constantly make fun of me. How can I make them stop?

Youth seem to pick on other kids when it looks like the teasing is bothering them. It might be really difficult, but sometimes the best solution to teasing is to pretend like you don’t care, or even laugh along with them. That way, when they see that it isn’t bothering you, they’ll get bored and find something else to do.

If the teasing reaches a level where you are being pushed, hurt, or threatened, you should seek help immediately from a teacher, foster parent, counselor, or coach. Sometimes you need to ask more than one person for help.

I don’t know why I keep picking on other kids.

Some foster youth, for good reason, feel as if they have no control over their lives and over what is happening to them. Sometimes a young person will fight this feeling by trying to control other people, which can lead to picking on others at school, in the neighborhood or foster home. Try answering these questions:
• Do you feel stronger after picking on someone?
• Do you generally choose weaker or smaller or younger kids to pick on?
• Do you tend to pick on a kid when you are surrounded by a group of your own friends?
• Does it make you excited to feel like you are more powerful than another child?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is important that you talk to a counselor. They can help you overcome these unhealthy feelings. It takes a lot of courage to realize these things about yourself. After working with a counselor, you will find that there are much better ways to gain power and control in your life.

My foster parents won’t let me see my boyfriend. What can I do to make them trust me?

Your foster parents may be concerned that your behavior with your boyfriend won’t be
appropriate or that you will get yourself into trouble. Romantic relationships can add even more emotional pressure to your family situation. If you want to spend time with your boyfriend, try asking your foster parents if he can come over for dinner. After spending some time with him and seeing that the two of you act appropriately, maybe their level of trust will go up.

If you or your boyfriend are not willing to visit in a "supervised" situation, then likely the real reason you want to spend time together is not what your foster parents consider "good" behavior. Good ways to keep in touch are by writing letters, phone calls and emails with your foster parents’ permission.

I’m under 18 years old. Do I need my parents’ permission to get birth-control pills?

In most states you have the right to completely confidential health care at the age of 14. Birth control is an important discussion to have with your health care provider (doctor or nurse).According to Planned Parenthood, a minor can currently receive contraception information and services without parental permission. For more information, visit www.teenwire.com.

What do I do if I’m pregnant?

Don’t try to deal with your pregnancy alone. There are a lot of people who want to help you. You can talk to a counselor, teacher, parent, foster parent, friend, minister or priest, doctor or caseworker. It is very important that you tell someone when you suspect you are pregnant so you can get prompt medical attention. This is a time to get plenty of support. You can call Planned Parenthood toll-free at 1-800-230-PLAN to find a center near you or get answers to questions.

What’s wrong with having a boyfriend/girlfriend? It makes me feel safer – like I belong to someone.

Sometimes being in foster care can be like "losing" a parent. Many teens feel a true
sense of loss, rejection, anger, or anxiety. It is not uncommon for a teen to try to fill this "gap" with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Unfortunately, if sex is a part of your
relationship, this often leads to even more problems. Following are unhealthy reasons
to be in a sexual relationship:
— Trying to cure loneliness or unhappiness
— Wanting to be more popular
— Using physical sex to avoid close, caring relationships
— Wanting to "prove" you’re not gay or lesbian
— Curiosity
— Believing "the first time" is not important so just get it over with
— Because you think everyone else is
— Getting back at parents
— Using poor judgement because you’re high on alcohol or drugs
The thing to remember is that you do not belong to someone else – you belong to yourself. Sometimes youth feel so desperate to hang on to a relationship that they make decisions they’re not ready for or they stay in a relationship that is unhealthy or even abusive.

If I was sexually abused by someone of my same gender, will I turn out gay?

Most experts agree that abuse does not cause a person to “turn gay”. But sexuality, as with most human behavior, results from the interplay between biological make-up and the environment in which a person is raised. However, it is clear that past sexual abuse may cause confusion about sexual identity. You should definitely speak to a counselor or therapist about past sexual abuse.

How do I know if my relationship is abusive?

If a teen was abused by a parent when they were younger, either sexually, physically, or emotionally, it often becomes difficult to determine if a current relationship is abusive. Sometimes abuse seems "normal" to a person who has experienced abuse in the past. To check your own relationship, read and examine the following list. Answer the
questions honestly. If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, ask for an appointment with a counselor or your caseworker.

Do I have to switch schools if I move?

Sometimes it is impossible to keep you in the same school when you move to a new foster home. If you are moving within the same school district, transportation may sometimes be arranged so you can stay at your old school. If it is very important for you to remain in your same school, talk to your caseworker about why it is important to you. They will try to find a foster family in your school district.

If you would prefer to move to a new school, give that information to your caseworker, too. If you are just coming into foster care, fill out the form on page 21 and indicate your school preference, and provide this information to your caseworker.

Why should I stay in school if I don’t want to?

You may have already been told that staying in school is your ticket to a successful future. Sure, there are always exceptions – like the high-school drop out who starts a software company and becomes a millionaire. The fact of the matter is, getting a job when you’re a high-school drop out is difficult at best. You will have to show on every
job application you ever fill out that you are a drop out.

Here’s another reason to stay in school. As a foster youth, you may be eligible for enough money to attend college for FREE. You may qualify, but you need to finish high school first.

What do I do if I’m afraid of flunking out of school?

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Students who usually do the best in school are the ones who have parents who have been helping them with homework since they were in kindergarten, and given plenty of support so the children can concentrate on school and grades.

The situation is very different for many foster youth who have fallen behind in school for reasons out of their control. Some of these reasons might be missed school days, medical problems, switching schools a lot, learning disabilities, distracting events at home, abuse and more. It is no wonder that many foster children have a hard
time keeping up with school!

Even if you have a lot of support from your foster parents now, it can be very frustrating to try to catch up in school once you have fallen behind. Also, many young people feel embarrassed that they are behind.

The best thing to do to avoid failing is to ask for a meeting including your foster parent, teachers, school counselor and caseworker. You all need to decide the best methods to support your efforts to catch up in school. Perhaps your
schedule can be rearranged so it is easier to manage, or maybe tutoring is available. If you have a job, maybe you’ll need to cut back on your hours, or add a couple of "study hall" periods at school to give you extra time to catch up.

Remember that help is available if you ask for it. Getting an education is your right and responsibility and it is worth fighting for. If you’ve fallen behind, speak up.

How can I get a tutor if I need help with school?

Try your school resources first. Ask teachers or counselors. There may be a tutoring program through your school. Also ask your caseworker, foster parents, or therapist for assistance. In many cases, the agency will pay for a tutor for you if there is a fee.

Sometimes getting the help you need means you have to ask more than once, so keep trying.

How can I get my educational records?

You can ask your school counselor for a copy of your school records. Your caseworker may also have copies of records if you have attended several schools.

What do I do if I get expelled or suspended?

If you have been expelled or suspended, you have the right to understand why and to defend yourself against claims made against you.

Being expelled or kicked out of schools is especially a problem because for many youth, it becomes very hard to return to school.

Whatever you did to get suspended or expelled, you need to do whatever it takes to get back to school. Being a foster youth can make things very difficult, and some youth experience problems dealing with anger, embarrassment, sadness or confusion. If you are able to explain your reasons for your actions, often the adults making the
decisions will be willing to give you another chance.

If you have already been expelled, talk to your foster parent or caseworker about your options to continue your education, such as "alternative" schools where the classroom setting may better meet your needs.

Why are my foster parents so obsessed about my education?

Good parents realize how valuable an education is for their children. It may seem as if your foster parent is going overboard about school. But maybe you are just not used to having a parent who is interested in how you do in school.

Your foster parent may be acting "normal", or the way most parents act. Explain to your foster parent that you appreciate their interest, but that it is difficult for you to receive so much pressure about school.

What is a learning disability?

A learning disability is anything that keeps you from learning the same way most students learn. Some learning disabilities are more obvious: blindness, hearing impairment, or confinement to a wheelchair. Other learning disabilities are not so obvious but still affect how you perform in school: attention deficit disorder (ADD or ADHD), obsessive/compulsive disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, and being developmentally disabled. If you are affected by a learning disability you are entitled to receive the extra help you need to do well in school.

What support is available to me if I have a learning disability?

It is the law that your school provide you with extra services if you have a learning disability, because it is the school’s job to provide an education for you. If you think you have a learning disability, talk to a teacher or counselor, your caseworker or foster parents. Tell them you want to be tested. Getting tested is easy; usually you get a medical test, a written test, and meet with a trained person who will be able to tell you if you have a learning disability.

What is an IEP?

IEP stands for Individualized Education Plan, and refers to a special law for students with disabilities. An IEP is a plan that outlines special programs and services to help students succeed in school.

If you need special services, the school will set up meetings which include teachers, care providers, social workers, your caseworker and other people working to help meet your school goals. Sometimes you take tests (they’re easy) at school with psychologists to find out where you are educationally.

Can I participate in planning my IEP?

By law, students must be invited to participate in their own IEP planning beginning no later than age 14, and younger when appropriate. You can be involved at a younger age, and it makes good sense to do so. When you reach the age of 18, you automatically become your own educational decision maker.

Can I go to college?

Anyone, foster youth included, can attend college or post-high school vocational training if they meet the admissions requirements and have available funding. Each college, university or vocational program sets their own requirements for admission and tuition. Financial assistance is available to students through a combination
of grants, scholarships and loans. All states have some financial assistance available for foster youth. Check with your caseworker to find out what is available in your state and for information about how to apply.

Can I work while I’m in foster care?

Most foster parents agree that getting a good education should be your first priority. If you are able to finish your homework and are doing well at school, many foster parents will allow you to get a part time job during the school year. Summer vacation is also a great opportunity to get a job. Start looking early because good summer jobs get snatched up quickly.

Are there any job training programs available to me?

Often, you can get help finding job training through your Independent Living Program or local employment office. Once you finish high school, you may also attend a vocational school or trade school. Your IL (Independent Living) Program or your Agency may also help with finding a way to pay for the costs of job training.

How many hours can I work?

Although the laws vary from state to state, the federal government says that youth who are 14 and 15 years old may work outside school hours in various non-hazardous jobs under certain conditions. If you are under age 16, you may need to apply for "working papers" or a "work permit". This is usually done at your city hall and may require you to bring a note from your employer describing the job, your birth certificate and social
security card. Talk to your caseworker or foster parents for help with this.

Even if the law says that you are able to work a certain number of hours, keep in mind that your caseworker and foster parent will make the decisions about how much you will be allowed to work. It will be up to you to prove that you can handle the extra responsibility; be sure to keep up your school work and household duties.

Will my earnings affect my foster care payments?

The payments made to your foster parents for your care should not be affected by the income you make from your own job.

Can I have a bank account?

Yes, but if you are under 18 you may need an adult as a co-signer on your bank account. A cosigner is usually a guardian, like a foster parent. If your foster parent is not willing to co-sign for you to open an account, then ask your caseworker or Independent Living worker for other options.

Can I get assistance with transportation to work?

This is a good question for your caseworker, foster parents or Independent Living worker. If there is bus or train transportation where you live, you may be able to get free passes from the Agency (ask your caseworker). If you do not have public transportation available, then you may need to be more creative. Can you ride a bike to work? Walk? Carpool? Can you make a trade with a foster parent (they provide transportation for you to your job, you provide a car wash on the weekend)?

Can I do extra-curricular (after school) activities?

Absolutely! After school activities are one of the best ways to make new friends. It becomes easier to "fit in" because you have the same interests as the other kids in the group. Talk to your school counselors, teachers, and foster parents about activities they think you’d be good at.

How do I pay for school activities like sports, pictures, prom and graduation?

Your foster parents may be willing to pay for some of these activities. Ask them about it. Talk to your caseworker to see if the Agency can give you some help. If you are in an Independent Living Skills Program, there may be money for some of these activities. Ask your school if there are reduced fees for youth in foster care. Ask for financial help for birthday and holiday gifts. Obtain a weekend or part-time job. You will need to plan for events and activities as far ahead as possible so that you can make arrangements to cover the cost. Don’t let the cost of an activity stop you from participating!

Do I have to go to church with foster parents? Can I keep going to my own church?

It’s important that you and your foster parents respect each others’ religious beliefs. Foster parents may ask you to attend their church. If you already have a church, every effort should be made for you to continue to attend services there. If you have any problems with religious issues, speak to your caseworker about it.

Can I get a driver’s license or permit?

It’s really important to some teenagers to learn to drive and have a car. It’s true, being in foster care makes doing this more difficult, but don’t completely rule out the possibility. Some kids in foster care do get driver’s permits, take driver’s
education and learn to drive. Rules about this vary from state to state and sometimes depend on who has legal custody of you. Discuss this with your foster parents and your caseworker. You may be more likely to be allowed to get a driver’s license if you:
• Demonstrate why it is important
• Show that you are a responsible person
• Have the ability to pay for your own insurance and gas.

If I get a license, who will cover the costs for driver’s education?

One advantage to driver’s education classes is that it may lower the cost of auto insurance. Check on this in your area.

The cost might be covered by an Independent Living Program, the Agency, your foster parents, or your school. Or you can raise a little extra money to pay for it yourself. Some drivers’ ed schools may give a discount if they know you’re in foster care. Ask an adult to help you check this out.

Who will pay for my medical care?

The Agency provides medical insurance that covers all medical and dental costs while you are in foster care. Your foster parent is responsible for making sure that you receive proper medical care.

How often should I go to the doctor for check-ups?

Regular doctor check-ups are usually made once a year. If you participate in sports for your school you may be required to have an "athletic physical", where the doctor gives an okay for you to participate in sports.

How often should I go to the dentist?

You should see your dentist every six months for a check-up and cleaning. If you have pain in your teeth or suspect that you might have a cavity, make an appointment to see the dentist right away.

What if I need glasses or contacts?

This is a cost that the Agency will pay for. If you have had glasses or contacts before, or feel you need them now, let your foster parents know. If you are going to wear contacts, it is a good idea to get a pair of back-up glasses as contacts can be easily lost or damaged.

What are immunizations?

Immunizations are shots that protect against certain harmful and deadly diseases. Most
children start to receive them when they are infants. There is a set schedule of shots that start as early as six months old and continue up until teen years. Many times foster children may not have seen a doctor regularly before they entered foster care, and may need to "catch up" on these important immunizations. If you think you may not have received all your shots talk to your foster parent about scheduling an appointment with a doctor. Your caseworker can get your doctor’s records to check on your health and shot history.

Why do I have to see a therapist?

Your mental health is as important as your physical health. As a foster youth, you may have experienced many difficult, sad, or scary things. It can be very helpful to discuss experiences and problems with someone who is trained to understand how human emotions work.

Talking to a therapist does not mean that you are "crazy" or that there is something "wrong" with you. It is just the opposite. Talking to a therapist shows that you are strong and capable enough to deal with your problems

Am I Crazy?

No. A therapist (or counselor) is someone that you can talk to about whatever feelings are stored up inside or any problems that you may be having. Most foster youth have been through a lot of pain and loss and may need someone objective to talk things over with. A therapist is objective and can offer a new viewpoint and some support to you.

Will they keep my secrets?

Yes, therapists have professional codes of confidentiality which guide what they can tell to whom and under what circumstances. So, unless you tell them that you have abused a child or are considering hurting yourself or someone else, they will keep your secrets. It is a good idea to discuss confidentiality (how the things you talk about will stay private) with them on your first visit.

What if I don’t like my therapist?

Many youth don’t like their therapist or counselor at first. Therapists may ask questions which seem weird or too personal. Often, they will be writing things down while you are talking, which can make you feel uncomfortable. It might make
you feel better to know that nothing they write down is going to be held against you. It may be important to talk to your therapist or counselor about confidentially. You may need to see your therapist or counselor a few times before you get comfortable and actually begin to like them.

My foster parents are upset at me for hiding food in my room, but it makes me feel better. Why?

The reason hiding food may make you feel better depends on your previous experiences. If there was a time in your life when you did not have enough food, it is no surprise that you want to store food so you can be sure you’ll never run out. The reason your foster parents are upset are very practical. Food in your room can attract mice, rats,
ants and cockroaches. (Not great housemates!)

Talk to your foster parents about the comfort you get when there’s a little food around. Ask if you can have a cooler or sealed container in your room with a few healthy snacks (granola bars, fruit roll ups). Make a promise not to leave any food or wrappers lying around your room.

Do I have to take medications if I don’t want to?

There are certain medications you may be required to take under a doctor’s supervision. If you do not want to take medications, speak up. Figure out why you don’t want them, then talk to your foster parents, caseworker, therapist and counselor.

Keep this in mind, however, that not taking medications could upset life in your foster home or at school. Refusing medications may mean you have to move to a more strict treatment facility. It is important to know all the consequences of refusing medication or adjusting the dose before you make a decision.

Why can’t I just control my behavior on my own without taking medication?

There are some behaviors you can control on your own. But just as you wouldn’t
expect a person to cure themselves of cancer, there are some behaviors caused by chemical "mix-ups" in the brain which cannot be controlled on your own. Medications can correct or help these "mixups", with the result that you can control your behaviors. If the side effects of your medication are not acceptable to you, then talk to your doctor about switching to an alternative medication.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD or ADD. What is it?

ADD is short for Attention Deficit Disorder, and ADHD is short for Attention Deficit
Hyperactive Disorder. These brain "mixups" affect your ability to do school work or
finish chores at home by making it difficult to concentrate. People may tell you often that you are not paying attention or may get frustrated when you seem to forget things.

What is FAS or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is a pattern of mental and physical problems which develop in some unborn babies when the mother drinks too much alcohol while pregnant. Since many foster children have mothers who are addicted to alcohol, FAS is common among children in care. FAS may cause ADD or ADHD, developmental or learning disabilities (which means learning things is more challenging than for most children).

If my parent is an alcoholic or drug addict, does that mean I will become one, too?

Some experts believe that children of alcoholics or drug addicts may have a predisposition towards addiction to alcohol or drugs. Others do not believe this. Many children of addicts choose to not use drugs or alcohol, knowing that it is not possible to get addicted if you don’t use the substance in the first place.

As the child of an alcoholic or drug addict, however, you may be experiencing other
difficulties coping with your life which may directly relate to your parent’s addiction. There are great support groups to help children of alcohol or drug addicts. Talk to your counselor or therapist about joining one.

I can’t stop worrying about my parent. I’m afraid they are going to overdose. What can I do?

Probably one of the hardest things in life is to love someone who is in trouble. Because of their addiction, your parent may be destroying their
life and your family right before your eyes. But it is your parent’s job to take responsibility for their own life. You cannot do anything about their addiction. Quitting is a decision they need to make by themselves.

If you find yourself focusing a lot of energy worrying about your parent’s problem, you might find it helpful to talk to other youth facing the same sort of problems. Talk to your caseworker or counselor about a support group or look up Alcoholic Anonymous and ask about a support group for your age group who have alcohol and
drug addicted parents (this is all confidential, no one will tell anyone you called or went to a meeting). You can also visit www.fosterclub.com and join in on the discussions on the message boards.

What is RAD or Reactive Attachment Disorder?

There is a natural process between a baby and it’s parents called "bonding". Bonding is a special relationship that happens where the baby understands and trusts that its parent will be there to take care of him or her. If the mother is having her own problems with drug or alcohol addiction, mental illness, or health problems, the baby may not have had anyone to take care of its needs. When a child grows older, if he or she has not learned how to bond with another human being, loving relationships can be difficult.

I constantly feel the need to steal things. What is wrong with me?

If stealing things was a way of life for you before you entered foster care, then it unreasonable to think that the habit would automatically change just because you entered a foster home. Some people steal things to get a feeling of control, especially if life seems to be out of control. Whatever the reason, if you are stealing and can’t break the habit, talk to your therapist or counselor or foster parents about it. The consequences of stealing can land you in big trouble and even danger. Get help now.

Is mental illness inherited?

Some mental illness runs in families. Some mental illness comes from other causes like drug use, alcohol abuse, injury to the brain, personal experiences, and more. Often, mental illness results from chemical imbalances in the brain and is quite controllable with certain medications. If your doctor thinks taking medications can help you, it’s really worth trying. While you are in foster care you receive free medical care, so take advantage! If you are concerned about mental illness in your family talk to your doctor about it.

Where do I go for help if I have a drug problem?

Your caseworker or foster parent can help you find treatment for a drug problem. Don’t be afraid to tell them. You can also try calling a drug help line to talk to someone. Narcotics Anonymous (NA) and Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) provide support groups in most areas. Check the phone book or the internet for a number in your area and ask for meetings for your age group.

If I want to get birth control, who can I talk to?

Birth control is an important discussion to have with your health care provider (doctor or nurse).According to Planned Parenthood, a minor can currently receive contraception information and services without parental permission. For more information, visit www.teenwire.com.

Who should I turn to if I am pregnant?

Don’t try to deal with your pregnancy alone. There are a lot of people who want to help you. You can talk to a counselor, teacher, parent, foster parent, friend, minister or priest, doctor or caseworker. It is very important that you tell someone when you suspect you are pregnant so you can get prompt medical attention. This is a time to get plenty of support. You can call Planned Parenthood toll-free at 1-800-230-PLAN to find a center near you or get answers to questions.

What do I do if I think I have a sexually transmitted disease (STD)?

If you think you have an STD:
1) Talk to your foster parent or another adult you trust, or
2) Ask the school nurse about getting help, or
3) Call your family doctor, or
4) Call your local public health department or Planned Parenthood Clinic

Remember: If you call your local public health department or Planned Parenthood clinic and ask about testing, they cannot diagnose over the phone. You will need to go to the clinic and get tested to know for sure if you have an STD. For more information about sexually transmitted disease, logon to www.iwannaknow.org.

I have been sexually molested or abused but I am too embarrassed to tell anyone. What should I do?

The most important thing you can do to protect yourself is to tell someone. If they don’t believe you, then tell someone else until you find someone who believes you and is willing to help. Teachers, principals, and school nurses are good people to tell because there is a law that they must take you seriously.

Molestation and rape are not sex acts. They are violent crimes and staying silent just protects the criminal. Victims of sexual abuse are often embarrassed and feel that it is best to keep the whole thing quiet. You are not alone with your feelings. Often victims
feel that they will be punished or rejected if anyone finds out, or that they will be looked on as "odd" or deserving of the abuse. Most victims of childhood abuse have emotions and fears like this. It is very important to get counseling to get you back on track about your feelings. Call the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network [1-800-656-HOPE(4673)] for information about crisis counseling groups in your area, or ask your foster parents to help you find an individual therapist.

I just feel so depressed and hopeless. What’s the point?

It is completely normal to feel depressed about being in foster care. Usually, it is not a youth’s choice to be in foster care. Even for youth who realize they might be better off in foster care, it is still normal to miss your family, your old home, your siblings, a pet and all your old stuff. Here are some signs you may be seriously depressed:

• Having feelings of sadness, hopelessness, worthlessness
• Getting sick a lot more than before
• Being tired, bored, sleeping a lot
• Not being able to sleep much at all
• Not being able to make decisions or concentrate
• Forgetting things
• Blowing off your friends and family
• Being angry or violent
• Not being interested in things you used to enjoy
• Abusing drugs and alcohol
• Being obsessed with dying and suicide

If you are experiencing two or more of these signs, it’s time to get some professional help like therapy or counseling. You can also call the suicide hotline 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or the Depression Hotline 630-482-9696 (this last number is not toll free). There is good help available for depression, but you need to take the first step towards getting help. Ask your caseworker for assistance getting to a counselor.

Will I be leaving foster care when I turn 18?

Leaving foster care when you are age 18 is called "aging out". Many states allow you to stay in foster care past the age of 18 if you are still in high school or they have services and programs available including help and/or money for school and housing. Sometimes these programs are called Independent Living Program (ILP). Remember, "independent living" does not necessarily mean that you live alone, or that you don’t need anybody, or that you know all you need to know. Instead, "independent living" means that you take responsibility for yourself and that you know where you can get help and support.

Can I leave foster care before my 18th birthday?

In most states, you may leave foster care before your 18th birthday by asking the court to be emancipated and proving you are ready and would be better off on your own.
Once you have become emancipated you will be responsible for your own care, including paying for your own housing, health care, education, food and household items, etc. Since this is such a huge responsibility, the judge will usually look for proof
that a young person is ready to be emancipated. And beware—you may be giving up a lot of benefits by emancipating before you turn 18 (like free money!), so be sure to talk to your caseworker, an Independent Living Provider and other adults you trust before you make this decision. Most people will agree that early emancipation is not a good choice for most young people.

Is there anyone who can help me get ready to leave foster care?

Getting ready to live on your own does take help. It is smart to start your planning early, so that you have time to build skills and work towards your goals. Good advice and assistance is available from anyone on your "team": foster parents, caseworker
or social worker, teachers, and counselors.

In addition to your team, there may be special workers (called Independent Living Workers) who help foster youth prepare for life after foster care. Their job is to help you gain the knowledge and skills you need to successfully transition to adulthood. Living skill areas they cover include housing, jobs, health, relationships, school and
training, cooking and keeping house and good decision making, and more.

You may work with an Independent Living Worker or Life Skills Worker individually, in a
group with other foster youth (often in weekly or monthly meetings), at a teen conference, or on a teen adventure trip. Ask your caseworker if there are independent living workers or programs in your area.

Who are the people that can help?

As you approach adulthood, you’ll begin to appreciate the importance of other people in your life. When you’re out on your own, you’ll want to gather friends and things that help you remember who your are, where you come from and what your special qualities are. It is very rewarding to keep in touch with good friends and mentors such
as teachers, coaches, employers, former foster parents, landlords and family friends. Adults willing to support you are everywhere if you reach out and if you are open to hearing advice. Call or email them now and then. Independent living is not a solo effort. Doing it successfully takes all the help you can get.

You’ll want to remember who to contact when you need specific information, like medical,
educational or legal information. A good way to take responsibility for your life is to keep track of these people and resources. A system to keep track of business cards and phone numbers helps a lot, like an address/phone book with enough space to keep business cards.

Is there anyone outside of foster care that can help me?

There are people everywhere whose jobs and responsibilities are to provide information and facts and services to you.

Here are some resources that might be helpful:
• Libraries and librarians: These are a great resource for how to do things, fix things and find things. Librarians are really helpful and if they can’t find the information you want, they can tell you where to get it.
• Chamber of Commerce: Most towns and cities have an organization called the Chamber of Commerce which has all kinds of information about the city where you live including maps, businesses, job opportunities, recreation, clubs and other services.
• Telephone Book: These give you a lot of information about your area including city, county and state services, maps for public transportation, local businesses and services. Be sure to check out special sections in the phone book. Often government phone numbers (like foster care agencies) are listed in a special section at the front
of the book.
• Government Offices: These include legal offices, police, employment offices, department of motor vehicles, health and human services dept., military recruiting and voter registration offices. Government social services offices often have valuable resources including manuals, agency listings and people to contact. Usually you can walk into any government office and get information, without an appointment.

Do I need special documents to live as an adult?

Having the right personal documents before you leave foster care is really important. Your caseworker, Independent Living Worker, or foster parents can help you obtain them. Make sure you get the following documents before you leave care.

Birth Certificate: If you don’t have your birth certificate, you can get an official copy from your county records office or your state’s vital statistics office. There is usually a fee of between $5 and $20. If you need some background information on your
place of birth, you can ask a bio-parent, foster parent, social worker or caseworker. Never give anyone a copy of your birth certificate. Keep it in a secure location.

Social Security Number: You will need a social security number to apply for a job, to go to college, to get insurance, open a checking account, to file taxes – for many official things. Employers are required to obtain an employees social security number before they start working, and many will require you to show your actual social security card. If you have a number but don’t have a card you can get an application at your local social security office. It is important not to give out
your social security number to just anyone. Don’t carry your card around with you because it may be stolen by someone who wants to steal your identity to cash checks or take out loans in your name. For questions and answers go to the website www.ssa.gov.

Driver’s License or Identification Card: To get either of these identifications, you’ll need to go to your local Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) or the agency which gives out driver’s licenses. Even if you are not allowed to get a driver’s
license or permit, you should still be able to get a State Identification (ID) card. There may be a fee involved and you may need a signature from a guardian or your caseworker. You also will need to bring your Birth Certificate.

High School Diploma or GED Certificate: You may be asked to show these when applying for a job. Keep these as proof of your accomplishment.

All of these important documents tell parts of the story of who you are as an adult and should be kept in a safe place.

Sometimes I’m happy. Sometimes I’m scared. Why are my feelings all mixed up about leaving foster care?

Starting life on your own is a big adventure. For most people, the idea of moving on brings up a lot of feelings. See if any of these sound familiar:

1) You may be feeling quite nervous about moving out on your own. Change is often
difficult, going from what is known and comfortable to something unknown can be very scary. You might feel edgy, impatient and frustrated at times.
2) You will probably be really excited to move into your first apartment and sample your new freedom. This excitement won’t last forever, so be prepared for some let downs when things aren’t all perfect and problems pop up.
3) You may feel a little fearful and lonely at the idea of being on your own. Once you
finally are on your own, you may feel bored, isolated and angry. Eventually you will start to look for help, to take classes for what you need to learn, to learn to handle money better, to reach out to old friends and to start to make new friends.

There are many people who have gone through the same experience or who are going through it now. Look for mentors or helpful adults who can help you make the move to life on your own.

I don’t have that many friends. Now that I’m not going to be in school and in a foster family, who will I talk to?

When you are on your own, it’s important to spend your leisure time in ways that help you find support and avoid loneliness. Joining up with a group is a great way to meet new friends to talk to. Here are a few suggestions:

1) Join a team: softball, bowling, chess, etc. If you don’t know how to play, get into a beginning group and learn.
2) Try out at a local theater group. If acting isn’t your talent, volunteer to help with set decoration or make-up.
3) Join a gardening club, fishing club or other specialized activity club.
4) Get involved with a local youth group to meet people your own age. Many churches support such groups.
5) Volunteer with a non profit group to give a hand to people who could use help. Big Brothers, Girl or Boy Scouts or other youth groups will probably welcome your help.
6) Join the YMCA or YWCA and take part in fitness and social activities.
7) Take a class that interests you at a local community college: art, auto mechanics, photography, etc. Chances are that the people in the class will share the same interest.

What is an Independent Living Program?

Each state has an Independent Living Program (sometimes called an ILP). It gives you access to lots of support and services. These services often include life skills classes, help finding a job, money for school, help finding an apartment and maybe even some help with living expenses when you are first starting out on your own.

It may be different in each state, but ILP is generally available to current or former foster youth, aged 14 – 21, who were in care for at least six months between those ages. Even if you have already left foster care (even if you ran away), you may still be eligible for some help. If you are still in foster care, ask your caseworker what is available. Visit your state page at www.fosterclub. com and find the Independent Living Coordinator for your state, who can give you more information about what is available.

Where will I live when I leave foster care?

Unless you’ve been invited to stay on with your foster parents for a while or you’re going to be living on campus while attending college, you will probably be living in an apartment or other rented housing.

If possible, begin your apartment search before you leave foster care. Many landlords will require a reference, or someone who will say that you will be a good renter. Sometimes a caseworker, Independent Living Worker, or a foster parent can provide you with a reference.

Many youth choose to have a roommate when they first live on their own to save money and
to enjoy companionship. Others choose to rent a room from a home or a studio apartment (look for ads in the newspaper) as a less expensive alternative.

How do I find a place of my own?

Start thinking early about where you’ll be living. It’s a good idea to learn as much as possible about what’s available, what your needs are, whether you’ll do better living alone or with a roommate and/or a pet. Rent is usually a person’s biggest expense, but take into consideration your other expenses such as transportation needs, household budget, food, phone, heat or electric and leisure money.

While you’re thinking about what you need, check out what is available. Find apartments for rent in your local newspaper or on bulletin boards around town. Make appointments to see the apartments. Ask about the cost of rent, as well as move in costs such as damage deposits and estimated utility (cost of heat, air conditioning, electricity, etc) costs. Find out if rent is month-to-month or a lease, where you have to commit to a longer period of time, usually a year. After a few appointments, you will be informed enough to make a decision.

What is all this legal stuff about renting an apartment?

Renting or leasing an apartment or house is a legal commitment.

As a renter you have certain rights and responsibilities. Knowing specifically what is
expected of you and what you can expect of your landlord is important information and can avoid or clarify problems that might come up. As a renter you have certain responsibilities which include: paying your rent on time, keeping the apartment clean and undamaged, keeping noise (music) levels down so as not to disturb your neighbors and giving appropriate notice before moving out.

In return, you are guaranteed certain rights under law. You have a right to privacy in your apartment (the landlord provide sufficient notice to enter), having repairs made in a reasonable amount of time, having the property kept up, receiving notice (usually 60 days) before the rent is raised.

You also have rights concerning eviction and protection from discrimination. If you think your rights are being violated, check your Yellow Pages or Government Section for a Tenant’s Association, Renter’s Association, or the Local Housing Authority.

How much money will it take for me to live on my own?

This is an excellent question, and you will need to do some research to come up with an answer. Figure out all of your "fixed" expenses, such as rent, cell phone, transportation costs or car payments, auto and health insurance payments, utilities. Then write down what you spend every month on "flexible" expenses, which are costs that
vary month to month such as eating out, movies, music, books, magazines and other recreation.

Once you’ve figured out all your costs, subtract that amount from your job income after taxes to find out if you can afford to pay for everything. Many people need to trim some of the extras from their budget, or get an extra job or a roommate to pay for everything.

Do they give me any money when I leave foster care?

Different states have different guidelines about giving money to youth leaving foster care. If you are in an Independent Living Program, there’s a good chance you’ll receive money to help you get started with life on your own. You may also ask your caseworker what financial help you will receive. Any money you do receive will probably go fast, so make sure you have a plan for earning more money.

How can I be sure I don’t run out of money?

It’s a good thing to think about the future with every paycheck. When you receive your paycheck, you need to pay all your bills first, then put aside what you need for food and other necessities. If you save a little from each paycheck, you can be work towards a larger purchase like a new stereo or a car, and you can be protecting yourself against
the day you lose a job or run into unexpected expenses. It's a good idea to save up enough money to pay rent and other expenses for about 3-6 months.

What do I do if I have nowhere to live after I leave foster care?

It is important to take advantage, while you are still in foster care, of the opportunity to plan and prepare for when you will be independent. Your caseworker will be developing your Foster Care Case Plan, which will outline where you will live when you are no longer in care. Participate in developing your Case Plan, in life-skills classes and other services that will help you get ready for life after foster care. Education, a job, life-skills and relationships are all things that will help you avoid crisis later on.

If I need a place to stay, can’t I just go live with my bio-family?

Even after you are age 18, you need to consider your safety and well-being in deciding where you should live. This is a good conversation for you to have with your caseworker, independent living worker, mentor, bio-family and maybe a therapist or counselor.

What shall I do about transportation?

When you’re living on your own you need to plan ahead and be sure you can get to where you need to be. It is a good idea to get a map of your city or town so you’ll know where to go for job interviews, doctors appointments, etc. Public transportation is a great way to get around. It takes a little while to get used to schedules and fares, but once you’re used to them, buses and trains can be affordable and dependable. Schedules or numbers to call for schedules can be found in your phone book or online.

A bicycle is also an excellent way to get around. More and more, cities are encouraging bike riders by dedicating special bike lanes and trails. Cyclists need to be alert and wear clothing, safety gear and lights to make themselves visible to motorists. The main cost of this transportation is the cost of a bike and whatever you need to do to keep it in top condition — a real bargain! (Plus you’ll get a great workout).

Owning a car is the most expensive means of transportation, but also the most convenient. It takes some time, effort and money to keep a car on the road. You’ll need to register the vehicle, get insurance, buy gas, obtain a license to drive, know
what to do in case of an accident and maintain your vehicle in good condition. You can save a lot of money if you learn to do basic car maintenance and repairs yourself.

What happens when I apply for a job?

Most employers have their own job applications, but they all ask for about the same information. They will want your address, phone number, social security number, birth date, job history, and personal references. Personal references are names and contact information of people not related to you who can talk about your skills, your abilities, your dependability and other things important to employers. Ask people like your caseworker, teacher, foster parents, etc. if you can use them as a personal reference. With their permission, bring their name, addresses, and phone number with you when you are applying for jobs so that you can complete the application.

What should I say about myself?

Some applications give you space to write about yourself. Practice writing why you want the job, why you chose this company, what you think you have to offer, what special skills you have that would make you good at the job and any other reasons they should hire you.

Any other tips about filling out a job application?

Here are some suggestions:
1) Always use a pen. Bring pens with you. It will make you appear more prepared than asking to borrow one.
2) Print clearly.
3) Don’t scratch out mistakes. Bring correction tape or ask for a new application. If you must scratch out a mistake, draw a single one line through the center of mistake
4) Don’t wrinkle or fold the application.
5) First appearances make a lasting impression, so dress neatly, even if you’re only filling out an application.

What can I do so I’m not so nervous during my interview?

A job interview is the most important step in getting a job. Think of it as your chance to make a good impression, and practice before you go to the actual interview.
1) Think about the job and what kind of worker is needed to get the job done.
2) What qualities do you have that match the needs of the job?
3) What other positive qualities do you have? Past attendance at school or other jobs?
Dependability? Work habits? Relationships with
other people?
4) What past experiences have you had that show these qualities?
5) Why do you want this job?
6) What are some good questions you have about the job?
7) What would your job responsibilities be?
8) How does the job you are applying for add to the overall success of the company?
9) What are the benefits of this job to you as an employee? Health insurance? Child care? It is best to ask about pay and benefits at the end of your interview, or even after you have been offered the job.

By the time I’ve finished high school I will have 12 years of school. Why do I need more?

Your education level, whether GED, high school, or college will affect what types of jobs you are qualified for and how much money you can earn. Getting more education can provide you with more job options.

As a former foster youth, you will have an opportunity most youth don’t have. You are
eligible to receive lots of financial aid for college or post high school vocational training. This free money for education and to help you become better prepared for a career (and life!).

Who can help me with college applications and financial aid?

Getting an education can be confusing and sometimes complicated. While getting a high
school education is free, college can cost a lot of money, depending on which college you choose. Your high school counselor can provide you with college information and financial aid application forms — so start talking with your counselor during your junior year. There is also lots of information available online. Each college, university or vocational program has its own website where you can get details about the school, its programs, the application process and deadlines.

Talk to your caseworker and your Independent Living Worker for more information about college financial help for youth in care. Many states have generous college financial help for foster youth. Log on to www.fosterclub.com for more information. Be sure you get help as you go through the process of applying for college.

I’m not ready for college — I may never be. Are there other alternatives?

There’s no law that says you need to know what you’re going to do with your life the minute you graduate from high school. So, if you’re tired of people asking, "what are you going to do after high school?", take a look at some of the great
alternatives we found:

Help others while helping yourself.
Americorps is a government sponsored service organization. As long as you are 18 or older and a US citizen, you can choose from programs in education (working in schools), environment (taking care of rivers and parks), and public safety (like working on closing drug houses). Americorps provides a living allowance and basic health coverage. Plus, after a year’s service, you earn a generous educational award. For informationgo to Americorps's website

Training for life.
Youth 16-24 may be eligible to live and study with Job Corps. This program is the nations largest residential, education and job training program. The goal of the program is to help people gain independence and get quality, long-term jobs or further their education. There are 118 Job Corps centers throughout the country. Locate one near you at www.jobcorps.doleta.gov or call 1-800-US-2JOBS.

Get on-the-job training. An internship is a great way to get a sneak peak at what a job or career is all about. Although usually unpaid or low paid, internships give you a lot of confidence about the career choices you make because of your experience in the field, and may earn you college credit if you decide to get more education.

Get fast-track training.
If you’ve already nailed down the career you want to pursue, there might be a vocational school in your area that can provide the
training you need. These schools generally offer training that lasts less than one year, and many times financial aid is available to help with the cost. Some possible course choices may be: bartender, chef, legal assistant, medical or dental assistant, graphic design, hair and skin care or truck driving. Talk to your high
school counselor or look in the phone book yellow pages or online for more information.

Build homes, build muscle, build experience.
If the construction business is your calling, check out Habitat for Humanity, a volunteer organization that constructs homes for needy families. Check out the Habitat Americorps:
www.habitat.org/cncs/.

Consider the military.
Consider what the US Armed Services has to offer. You can gain valuable training and
money for college. Many people say that once you’ve joined, you’ve gained a new "family" with lifetime friendships and a place to turn to when you need help.Check out www.armedforcescareers.com or www.myfuture.com.